


I Want To Love You But I Don't Know How

by Skamzombie



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: AU, Acting, Blackmail, Blow Jobs, Crushes, Drama, Drama & Romance, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hate to Love, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, Parallel Universes, Pining, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Teenage Drama, Unrequited Love, a little internalised homophobia, director Even (of a school play lol), he's just really scared, more of love then being gay but i think that's in there a tad too, not like super explicit but its there lmao idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2018-09-23 13:18:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9659108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skamzombie/pseuds/Skamzombie
Summary: “You really do think you own everyone don’t you?”Even smiled “No. But I do own you.”Isak and Even do not get along. In fact they hate each other. But when Even finds dirt on Isak, well it is almost too good to not use it to his advantage. And then somehow Isak finds himself in the drama club...with Even where drama is definitely promised.Or the Enemies to Lovers High School AU nobody asked for.





	1. Isak

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this is my first au and is just basically a universe i've created where I can have lots of fun and just make lots of entertaining drama happen. I'm not kidding I already have written a bunch of my favourite teen drama tropes that I'm gonna use. and if this goes the way I want to Evak won't be the only ones going through drama mwahahahaha  
> Anyway I wanted to share this with you guys. So feel free to leave comments on where you think this is going and what you want to happen. Can't wait to hear your feedback, it helps so much. :)
> 
> Things that are different to the tv show  
> \- All the characters are in their 2nd year unless stated otherwise. So Even is in the same year as Isak and everyone  
> \- I may have exaggerated Isak's teenage grumpiness in here, sorry but it will be good for the draaamaaa
> 
> If I think of anything else i'll add it or make another note of it. Honestly i'm just making this up as I go. 
> 
> Okay I hope you like <3

 

From the moment Isak first laid eyes on Even, he felt it.

He could feel the electricity burning from the top of his head, to the tips of his toes. Every single nerve in his body was on edge by the strange and unknown feeling.

The feeling that brought upon him one outrageously intense impulse. He felt compelled and every second Isak wasted not giving into his impulse, was another heavy brick of frustration resting on his shoulders.

So, on a Wednesday morning he finally stopped resisting and did the one thing he couldn’t live without doing any longer.

With a deep breath and determination flooding through his veins, Isak dove his hands deep into the ground, grabbing a fistful of warm grainy dirt.

Which he then stuffed into Even’s trousers before pushing him to the ground.

Isak was 6 years old and just like that he had gained his first enemy.

 

_**////////////** _

 

“Ugh you’re disgusting” Mahdi cringed as the boys all looked at Magnus in disgust.

“But I – I thought girl’s liked that!” Magnus cried out not understanding why he was suddenly being shunned around the table.

Jonas shook his head “No one likes that dude.”

Mahdi and Isak trembled with laughter as Magnus pouted.

“oh whatever not all of us can be lady munches like you.”

Mahdi screwed up his face “What the hell Mags.”

“will you please not call it that?” Jonas begged wincing at Magnus’s words.

“yeah well it’s true. You bang all the chicks.”

Isak felt his stomach twist, and he reached for a sip of his coke to distract himself from the nauseous feeling creeping into his lungs.

“yeah whatever” Jonas replied, a small smile tugging at his lips, Isak watched as it transformed into a tight thin line before his eyes.

He knew before looking up, what the cause of Jonas’s grimace and the silence flooding the table was.

“Hey Jonas.” Eva said timidly as Isak looked up and saw the beautiful auburn haired girl standing cautiously with a pile of flyers pressed against her chest. Next to her stood Vilde, an extremely oblivious and irritating girl in Isak’s English class. She smiled at him nervously and he couldn’t help it, he rolled his eyes by instinct which got him a confused and annoyed stare back. Isak didn’t understand girls. Nor did he want to.

Finally, after a silence that felt like years Mahdi cleared his throat which knocked Jonas out of his sudden paralysed state and back into action. “Hi” he said tightly, avoiding Eva’s eyes.

Isak felt a stab of guilt hit him hard, seeing the two act so weird to each other.

But like everything else, he buried it deep and told himself none of it was his fault.

“Um anyway” Vilde finally interjected. “We are wondering if you guys would like to join drama club, all the parts for the play have been filled, but we could really use some backstage helpers.”

“Backstage helpers?” Magnus asked incredulously.

“Yeah you know, lighting, curtains, prop designers, costumes, there’s so much we need to do before opening night and Even said we could really use some extra members.”

A nerve twitched inside Isak and he snapped his head up, glaring at Vilde in annoyance “Even?! You mean that stuck up, self-righteous know it all? You’ve got to be kidding me he is a complete dick.”

Vilde scrunched up her brows in offence “Um he is actually directing the play and he is really talented and nice Isak. If you joined you could get to know him?” she said hopefully while Eva looked at her like she had just suggested they all get face tattoos together.

Isak stared at her and scoffed bitterly “oh please if he is such a nice guy then why is he sending his dumb fan squad to do his work for him huh?”

Magnus sucked in a breath, as Jonas hushsly said to him “Isak”.

Vilde turned wild, her face twisting into a growl and her chest rising with anger. Just when she was about to burst, a hand rested softly on her arm before Eva stepped in front and glared down at Isak.

“Look I don’t know what your problem is and I never will, but you have no right to talk about other people like that. Especially my friends.”

Isak rolled his eyes, ignoring the elephant sitting on his chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

“Whatever Eva, everyone knows you have poor judgement in character. How is Chris by the way?” the words were out before he could stop them. And like always the result of the damage he was capable of didn’t occur to him until after he saw the pain flicker in Eva’s eyes, the way Jonas shifted in his seat and Mahdi bowed his head in shame.

Eva recoiled back like his words slapped her and instinctively glanced at Jonas, who looked like he was trying to find an escape exit under the table.

She shook her head and licked her lips before looking back up at the golden haired boy in distinct heartbreak. “We used to be friends Isak. But now I don’t even know who you are. Perhaps you’re right. I do have poor judgement.” She grabbed Vilde and turned away before looking back again and adding “I misjudged you anyway.” And then they walked away.

Everyone let out an exaggerated breath around the table before lighting themselves on fire.

“What the hell was that”

“Can you just for five minutes be cool?”

“What is your problem Isak?”

Isak shook his head and rolled his eyes as he rebuffed every single question. But the truth was he had no idea what his problem was. Where all this anger and irritation and frustration came from. Eva was right, they were friends, but after what Isak did, he couldn’t bear to look her in the eye without feeling like he was going to be sick.

Isak didn’t deserve any friends.

He looked at Jonas who was feeling extremely tense after the entire situation, and he knew he didn’t deserve him either.

But no matter what Isak did, he just kept digging deeper into this dark hole of guilt and anger, because being there was safer. Safer than facing the truth behind his actions. The truth behind him.

 

_**/////////////** _

 

“Jonas I’m sorry” Isak pleaded, as Jonas continued to ignore him. They were walking down the hall after English and Jonas had clearly not forgiven him for the stunt in the cafeteria. Jonas began walking ahead of him, and Isak finally threw his head back and groaned.

“Will you please just talk to me? I’m sorry for making things weird. Just- can you stop being mad at me””

Jonas finally looked at him, his eyes softening. “I’m not mad at you Isak, I’m just annoyed. Why do you always have to be so…” He broke off the many words that could finish that sentence floating in the air between them.

“So what?” Isak asked already knowing he didn’t want to hear the answer.

Jonas shook his head “Nevermind. I gotta go to class.”

And he turned away and left Isak wondering which of the many words he was going to use this time.

Isak went over to his locker and banged on it frantically, his frustration growing bigger every second it continued to not budge. “Ahhhhh” he growled at the inanimate object, staring at him, mocking him. The epitome of all of his anger, refusing to do him this one damn thing and open the hell up!

Suddenly a hand appeared out of nowhere, and hit the locker with just enough force for it to pop open right in front of Isak. He looked up to see who the hand belonged to and immediately straightened his spine and set his jaw.

He glared at Even who was leaning against the wall of lockers like he owned them. He probably thought he did. Even Bech Næsheim walked around the entire city like he owned everything and everyone. He was the most uptight cocky prick Isak had ever met, and now here he was grinning down at Isak like he knew every single thought running through his head. What an obnoxious tool.

“Hey Isak, I see Jonas has finally come to his senses.” He said smugly, smiling his stupid cocky grin. “What a shame, you two were like ‘Bffs’ after all” he mocked, his eyebrows dancing in arrogant malice. God Isak hated this dick.

He rolled his eyes and put his books away “Oh shut up Næsheim, no one asked you. Now can you get out of my way?” he indicted to where Even was standing on his every single nerve.

Even laughed. He fucking laughed. At this point Isak would do anything to wipe that shit eating grin off his stupid nicely proportioned face. Ugh.

“No Isak, I’m here for a favour actually.”

Isak rolled his eyes and scoffed in amusement at this ridiculous announcement. “What in the world made you think I would do anything for you?”

Even straightened up and leaned back on the locker, a little closer to Isak now, as he licked his lips in thought, Isak wondered how the hell he could smell so much like pancakes and mint. Like who the hell smells like that?

“Because…” he began before setting his eyes right onto Isak’s, his face turning chillingly serious. “I wasn’t asking you.”

“What the fuck?” Isak breathed. His eyes bugging out of his head in disbelief. This entitled piece of shit couldn’t be serious.

“You really do think you own everyone don’t you?”

Even smiled “No. But I do own you.”

“Okay you’re fucking crazy.” Isak said as he pulled out his Biology book and slammed his locker shut.

Isak went to walk away but he felt Even put his hand on his chest, stopping him. The contact sent shivers down his spine and he jerked back from the feeling, quickly knocking his hand away.

Even stepped closer to him, and lowered his voice “Isak I know what you did.”

Isak screwed up his face “What are you talking about?” but as he said it he could already feel the heat creeping up across his chest. Guilt.

“Eva. Jonas. I know why they broke up and I know what you did to make it happen.”

Isak blinked, hearing the words from someone else made it real, and he felt paralysed from the nausea swimming in his stomach.

“How?” he simply breathed, all thought and logic erased from his mind.

Even shrugged “It doesn’t matter, But I definitely know for sure now. Kinda thought you’d deny it.”

He laughed and Isak swallowed, realising that he was set up, and he fell for it.

Even noticed Isak turning white and he pat him on the shoulder

“Hey don’t worry about it. I won’t say anything. As long as you do me this one favour of course.”

Annoyance flooded Isak again and he cringed at himself as he realised that he had no choice. There was no way he could risk Jonas finding out, especially to find out from this douche. But then what about Eva?

Isak squinted up at Even confused “But, I thought Eva was your friend? Wouldn’t you want to tell her?”

Even shrugged again and raised his eyebrows “Eva is just beginning to move on. Anyway telling her won’t change anything, it would just make everyone hate you, which I mean wouldn’t be the worse thing to see…”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Buuuut I have more important things to think of, like the play.”

“The Play?!?”

Even smiled at Isak’s incredulous reaction “Yeah the play, our Romeo just went down with glandular fever, thankfully he found out before he could infect Juliet.” Even chuckled as Isak continued to stare in horror at where this might be going.

“Anyway the understudy is a first year with serious stage fright and the inability to remember lines soooo…” Even unleashed his full open mouthed grin at Isak. The kind that reached his eyes and made them go all squinty…not that Isak noticed.

“Be my Romeo?” he asked cocking his head to the side as he waited for an answer.

Isak felt his mouth go dry.

“Um ha no. You got the wrong guy. I can’t act for shit you’re better off with the understudy.”

Even shook his head “I told you Isak, you had no choice. I just thought asking would be a little more charming.”

“it wasn’t” Isak mumbled

“Anyway, rehearsals are this Friday. I’ll see you there.” He winked, well at least it looked like an attempt at winking, before he pushed up off the lockers and turned to walk away.

“Hey wait! Why would you even think I could act in your dumb play?”

Even rolled his eyes “Isak you are the most dramatic person I know. Who else?”

And then he spun on his heels and left Isak standing there completely late for biology and hating himself for getting into this stupid mess in the first place.

 


	2. Isak

Isak didn’t even know why he did it. I mean of course he thought he did. But he kept that thought buried deep inside him, locked up in chains where he couldn’t reach it. Ever.

Jonas and Eva. Eva and Jonas. Together all the time, whether it was fighting and arguing or worse…kissing, laughing, touching each other right in front of Isak. It made his stomach turn and his blood boil. He wanted it to stop. Needed it to. He was sick of being second best to Jonas, to both of them. He had to do something. Anything.

So when he was over at Jonas’s playing fifa, he snuck away and planted stuff. Evidence. An earring under one of his pillows, a lipstick in the bathroom. Just little stuff he had stolen from his mum that he knew she was too deranged to ever notice missing. But he knew Eva would notice it. Because Eva was already so insecure, convinced that Jonas would cheat on her with Ingrid. It was too easy. He didn’t even do anything really. The next thing Eva did herself.

It was at the Halloween party; the party Jonas could not attend because he was held up explaining to Mrs Vasquez where the weed she found under his bed came from. Isak had told him it was a shit hiding spot but he hadn’t listened. Just like Eva didn’t listen to Jonas when he told her he had no idea how the earring got into his bed. Because how could she? It was the exact thing someone who was cheating would say.

And so it was at the Halloween party where Eva made her move. To be a victim or to take action and show everyone who was in control. And she showed half the school who had every last bit of control as she made out with Chris Schistad in the middle of the dance floor, in front of everyone. Little did she know that it was neither her nor Jonas who had the control.

Isak had watched as everything fell apart around him. Word got out, photos had been taken, fists were thrown, tears shed. And Isak? Isak stood in the middle, flames surrounding him as he witnessed his destruction happening before his eyes.

And the worse part? He didn’t feel guilty. Not at first. Eva did it all herself, he said repeatedly to himself at night as he remembered what it was like seeing Jonas cry, hearing him ask constantly “why?” when Isak knew the answer.

Isak didn’t feel guilty.

Not until he watched his best friend turn to parties and women to fill the void Eva’s betrayal left inside him. Not until he observed Eva isolating herself from all her old friends and into new ones who were whiny, arrogant, stuck up and irritating to the core. After the break up Eva began to hang out with a group of girls Isak and Jonas had never heard of before, and most importantly, she began to stick to Even like glue.

Eva and Even had always been friends, hell she used to bite Isak whenever she caught him trying to spill paint on Even’s drawings or frame him for killing the class fish…. But when the break up happened sides were drawn and Eva was not only slut shamed out of her group but she no longer belonged with Isak, Magnus and Mahdi, so Even being the nosey self-scented prick he is, took it upon himself to get involved in the drama, and practically marked his territory on Eva until she found new friends. The guy was so desperate for attention it was sad.

Anyway Isak had regretted doing what he did quite a few times now; every time he saw the hurt in Eva’s eyes, every second he had to hear Jonas’s stories of getting laid; but he had never regretted it as much as he did right now. Walking into school, on a Friday night. Even was a fucking dick.

 

“Ahh now here is my Romeo!” Even called out as Isak walked in, his stomach flipping and his fists clenching at Even’s words. Everyone, who had placed themselves in a circle, all still somehow managed to stare at Isak as he entered the theatre.

“Please, take a seat and join us” Even said smugly, with a cocky grin pasted on his face.

Isak glared at him as he headed for the empty seat across from him. He noticed Eva and Vilde turn to look at each other confusedly as he picked up the script that was placed on the chair and sat down; resting the script on his knee, crossing his arms, and setting his annoyed gaze onto Even.

“Well” Even clapped his hands, ignoring Isak’s unsubtle attempt at getting on his nerves.

“Now that we’re all here, I just want to say-“

“Woah woah woah” Even was suddenly cut off by a shrieking voice coming from the other end of the theatre. Isak turned to see a tall, thin, girl with short blonde hair running up to Even. Ah for fucks sake Isak thought as he watched Sonja put a hand on Even in alarm.

Not only did he have to deal with the ‘king of Oslo’ but he had to put up with his clingy, snobby, stuck up girlfriend too? Nope he was out of here.

Isak went to stand up before he felt a hand pulling him back down. He looked to see Sana, a know it all girl from his biology class shaking her head. Isak furrowed his eyebrows to question what the fuck she was doing, and she just replied with a “uh-uh” before turning her head and ignoring him again.

Ah god. Isak checked the time on his phone before looking back up at Nissen’s perfect couple, who were bickering like an old married one to Isak.

Sonja was shaking her head while Even waved his hands around in exasperation. Isak cocked his head, trying to work out what was going on before Sonja finally crossed her arms and said loud enough for everyone to her, “Okay fine. But I just think you’re going to deeply regret this.”

And then she sat down right next to where Even was sitting, who was still left standing up.

“Then it will be my regret, Okay?” Even said before threading his hand through his hair in distress and sitting back down.

“Okay so firstly as you guys know, Sonja is producing this play and together we have decided on a few changes-“

“We didn’t decide everything together clearly” Sonja muttered as she turned her glare right onto Isak.

Ahhh Bingo.

Sonja didn’t like that Isak was suddenly a part of this monstrous play. Well, hell lady I’m right with you there! Isak thought in excitement. Sonja was an insufferable cold hearted bitch but she wasn’t an idiot or completely useless.

Even might be able to blackmail Isak but he did have his own weaknesses, and the good old ball and chain was one of them.

Hell yes.

Even looked pointedly at Sonja before cautiously continuing “Anyway…As I was saying-“

Isak’s hand shot up.

“Actually I was wondering..”

Even exhaled loudly “Yes Isak. What is it?” he said frustratingly.

Isak grinned.

“I am so terribly sorry to interrupt- well whatever you think you’re going with this, but I could not help but notice that your lovely producer” Isak stopped to smile sweetly at Sonja who squinted her eyes in response.

“- has some reservations about my part in this play? And you know what, I can’t help but agree with her. So I think I will just excuse myself and I dunno…Go home? Yeah okay bye.””

Isak grabbed his bag and stood up ready to make his run for it again, but Even rolled his eyes and leant back in his seat sighing.

 “Isak sit down. You are in this play okay? Now back to what I was saying…-“

“See this is exactly what I mean! He doesn’t care about the play.” Sonja interjected, waving her hand at Isak who mouthed ‘who? Me?’ innocently.

Even bowed his head “Why do I even try?” he muttered.

“Look I agree with Sonja, Even” Eva spoke up. “There is no way he is here for the right reasons. He hates you and the drama club! He probably just wants to sabotage the play.”

Vilde nodded beside her “mmhmm yep that sounds like a thing he would do.”

Even pinched the bridge of his nose in stress.

“Okay everyone listen.” He said loudly fixing his stare on everyone individually. “Isak” his eyes landed on him, his blue eyed stare causing Isak to lose his breath.

“Isak, owes me a favour and he has no choice but to do well for all of us. Okay? So don’t worry about him, but worry about learning your lines. Opening night is in 6 weeks. Sitting here complaining about our lack of options is just wasting all of our time.” Even broke off and released a breath before smiling at everyone. “So do you want to make a play or what?”

Everyone nodded eagerly and seemed impressed by what Isak thought was an extremely crappy and lazy speech but whatever.

“Okay good, so Isak you and Vilde can start us off by reading from…uh yes act 1 scene 4”

Isak’s head snapped up in horror “VILDE?!” he literally felt himself physically recoil at the words.

“You want me to kiss VILDE???” his face twisted into disgust and judgement. “nope not doing it.” Even’s eyes glinted in amusement as he lifted his eyebrows.

“Sorry Isak, but not your choice.”

Vilde put her hand up “I mean Isak is not wrong, I can’t see us having any sexual chemistry”

“ugh will you not???” Isak exclaimed scrunching up his nose at her.

Even threw his head back in laughter “ahh you guys will be great. Don’t worry.”

Isak watched in anger as Even winked right at him before giving everyone else orders like the uptight bossy douche he was.

 

_**/////////////////** _

 

“Okay but what the fuck is this” Isak threw the script on the ground and crossed his arms. “I’m not doing this. It is so lame.”

Vilde exhaled deeply “Isak this is the theatre. It is called acting. You’re supposed to play the part you are told to play.”

Isak being the mature 17-year-old he is rolled his eyes and whined “nah-uh” before poking his tongue at Vilde.

“Looks like we have a diva on our hands huh?” Even asked as he strolled over to them, grinning widely. He got some sort of sick enjoyment from watching Isak uncomfortably recite the pile of trash he had written.

“Look I don’t know what this-” Isak gestured at the script lying on the floor “is but it’s definitely not Romeo and Juliet.”

“It’s called an adaptation Isak.”

“It’s called lame Næsheim.”

Even pushed his tongue against his cheek and then turned to Vilde

“Vilde, do you mind giving us a minute?”

She looked between them cautiously for a beat.

“Sure” she said before walking over to Eva and Sana who were discussing something in the script.

Even placed a hand on Isak’s shoulder which sent shivers down his spine. He looked down at his hand in irritation, which Even ignored as he led Isak to the corner of the theatre, away from everyone.

“Okay what’s the problem?” Even asked raising his eyebrows.

“The PROBLEM? The Problem is that the script says I’m some kind of loser teenager who just ditches his entire life and kills someone for what some hot chick? Who I might add Is _VILDE!”_

Even smiled throughout Isak’s entire rant and nodded slightly.

“It’s Romeo and Juliet Isak. That’s kind of the story. Also he does it all for love, not just for the chick.”

“But it isn’t even- it says it’s set in Oslo. Romeo goes to school! What the fuck?”

Even laughed “It’s my own adaptation. I tried to make a classic story into something we all can relate to, now in our small adolescent lives when we all feel like nothing makes sense.”

Even paused, passion hitting his eyes at full force, for some inexplicable reason Isak couldn’t look away. The fire inside them set something deep inside Isak running away scared. He felt his fists clenching from the feeling he tried desperately to ignore.

“I want to show everyone that even Shakespeare himself knew what we were feeling, how hard everything can be. I just got to make it easier to understand.”

He grinned at Isak’s fierce attention.

“You like it?”

Isak clenched his teeth “no I hate it.”

Even shrugged “oh well, too bad.”

“Honestly though, Vilde???”

Even rolled his eyes. _Rolled his eyes_. At Isak! Ugh what a nerve.

“She is passionate Isak. I like seeing passion. I know I can count on her to do her best and portray the role as well as she can.”

“lame” Isak muttered because how in the world was he going to argue against that. He thought theatre was dumb.

“Look Isak maybe you’re going to need some help”

“Help? Please. Acting is easy. It’s all lying. And I am the master at lying”

“Yeah well I wouldn’t expect any less from someone who Iago-ed Jonas and Eva out of their relationship.

Isak scrunched up his face “Iago-ed? What the hell?”

Even raised his eyebrows again “Iago. Othello?” Isak continued to stare blankly.

Even sighed loudly “Shakespeare? I swear to god you are the most uncultured person I have ever met.”

“Well we can’t all be Mr. uptight theatre snob can we?”

Even nodded “No some of us are just deceitful homewreckers. You’re doing the play Isak just shut up and do it well otherwise you will have something real to worry about.”

Isak felt himself tense as Even went to walk away to Sonja.

“Wait”

Even turned back to face him.

“How-“ he paused and swallowed the words away. “You never told me how you found out…about what I did.”

Even shrugged “you told me.”

Isak rolled his eyes, this asshole. “No, I mean how did you know before you _knew”_

Isak could see something fly through Even’s mind but he shook it off and winked terribly at Isak again, which sent something off inside him that he kept trying desperately to ignore.

“That’s for me to know and you to – constantly obsess about I guess.”

He wiggled his finger at Isak mockingly “Learn your lines. If you don’t you’re going to pay.”

Isak groaned as he went over to his script still lying dead on the floor and stared at the description of Romeo on page 2 ‘ **rude, blonde, judgemental, arrogant and obnoxious and really into rolling his eyes..’**

Wow Romeo sounds like a total dick, Isak thought. This was totally self-projected. What an ego maniac. Isak walked over to Vilde and sighed “Okay show me how to remember this stupid thing. Where do I start”

Vilde smiled brightly, her eyes darting to Eva and Chris Schistad in the corner. Isak groaned again internally. He did not understand the appeal…not that he would anyway, he was a dude, so… but whatever, Chris seemed like a dick so why Eva and Vilde were both into him he didn’t know. And because he didn’t give a shit for teenage girl drama, he didn’t care either.

“Vilde” He snapped abruptly waving his script in her face. “You’re gonna help me or not?”

Vilde diverted her eyes and nodded.

Isak smiled at himself. Even was a dumbass for thinking this would get to him. He was going to crush this. He will be the absolute master at acting.

He glared at Even from across the theatre ‘just watch me’ he thought, and soon enough Even turned around and caught his stare and looked right back at him, unknown to Isak he was thinking the exact same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. Let me know what you think so far. <3 I also think I might do Even's pov next. Maybe. I'll be doing all sorts of povs because fuuuun haha. If there is a certain pov in particular you're keen to see lemme knooooow. 
> 
> Thanks for your love and support <3 come yell at me on tumblr when i'm being slow with the updates at > Fairieswithoutwings <  
> xxx


	3. Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies, no you are not hallucinating. This is a chapter update! ahhh i'm sorry for the wait. I also wish I could promise more frequent updates but that would be a lie because I am a mess. I will try to start the next chap as soon as I can tho my loves. 
> 
> Hopefully this chap makes up for the wait. - the story is finally getting somewhere peeps. <3

His whole life Isak had been there. Stuck in his head, tugging at his heart, his mind, his world; until he pulled so hard it was tipping on it's axis. He was always there glaring at him, telling him all the things he did wrong, tripping over his feet, making a complete ass of himself.

Isak Valtersen was the most immature, rude, judgemental and obnoxious boy he had ever met. And for some reason Even couldn’t get enough of him.

From the moment they met Isak had made it his life mission to make Even’s as miserable and uncomfortable as he could. Isak _hated_ him. Even had every right to hate him back.

Every right.

So why didn’t he?

 

Why. Didn’t. He. Even knew exactly why. He could feel it, see it, _remember_ it. Every single part. But Isak didn’t. Couldn’t. and it made Even’s blood boil. Was he doing this on purpose? Fucking with him to the point where he can’t think of anything but of that uncultured swine…. of that _night._

 

Even could hear the music, feel the warm air from that night hitting his skin, making him glisten with the memory of the night that changed everything. Even ran his hand through his hair as he remembered the sound of the bathroom door opening, Isak wobbling in drunk off his face.

The bathroom turned into a secret escape portal as soon as the door closed again, the music fading out just enough for Even’s thoughts to race back. Enough for him to laugh at Isak Valtersen’s sloppy intoxicated state. He flinched and stumbled at Even’s laughter, his blond hair pasted against his forehead as he awkwardly leaned against the bathroom wall. Even remembered the soft tired expression on Isak’s face as he shook his head muttering from the bathtub

“you’re a mess Valtersen.”

Isak’s eyes rolled as he moaned “nobody fucking asked you Næsheim.” There was something about the way his shoulders slouched against the tiled wall, how his head leant back to erase the noise Even could see was going on in his mind. It was this exact moment when Even forgot why they were enemies.

How could you hate someone you understood so much?

Understood in a way you never thought you would.

He couldn’t stop his mind from going back to that moment, the moment he told Isak to stop standing around and to sit the fuck down before he passes out because Even wasn’t going to help him if he did.

He remembers making that very clear _, I’m not helping you_. And Isak tripping over his feet as he crawled in the bathtub beside Even, muttering “I don’t fucking want you to”. And Even believed him.

The feelings of being in that bathtub that one night crawled under Evens skin, he couldn’t escape the memory transporting him back to the moment the silence grew and spread thin between them, until he could feel the room shaking, tipping sideways with the sounds of gurgled whimpers wrapped around his brain. It took him longer than it should to realise that they were coming from Isak. His body shook next to Even as hot angry tears hit his cheeks, his head leant back against the tiled wall and his legs dangled lifelessly out over the bathtub ledge.

Even didn’t know what to do. Suddenly he found himself in a situation he never thought he would ever be in. Watching Isak Valtersen break in front of him. The best he could think of doing in his intoxicated state was to clear his throat in a way that broke the silence he had seamlessly wrapped around himself, before asking “hey um you okay man?”

Isak didn’t reply so Even didn’t push. He found himself almost relieved that he said nothing because it stopped him from actually sympathising with the asshole who had irritated Even his entire life. He was ready to leave and find Sonja when Isak’s tired voice stopped him.

“I fuck everything up.”

Even’s mind rattled with those words, they hit every single nerve in him and he found himself looking at Isak in surprise and anguish…because how, _how_ could he hate someone who felt what he knew too well.

He never knew what to say in these situations, so he kept his mouth shut. He let the quiet surround them, the sound of the muffled music behind the door vibrating around the silence.

Isak’s head fell against his knees as he groaned again “Why do I fuck up everyone’s life?”

“because you’re a dick” Even couldn’t stop the words from escaping him and he regretted it for a split second before the sound of Isak’s laughter filled the room.

“yeah well there’s that….” His voice broke off as he looked up at Even with sad eyes.

“I fucked up Jonas and Eva”

Even felt his eyebrows raise as he tried to process Isak’s words.

“how?”

Isak’s hands waved in the air exhaustedly “I don’t know I just fucking lied and snuck around and I don’t fucking know why I’m telling you this I just-“ his hands went through his deep blonde curls as he stared intently at the bathroom floor. “I don’t want to be me anymore” he croaked, his voice saturated with pain, Even couldn’t begin to comprehend. He could feel his heart pounding as he looked at this boy and saw for the first time, something other than the dickhead he made everyone see.

He didn’t know what to do so he pat Isak’s shoulder awkwardly, trying desperately to make himself useful…and failing as he always did.

He stopped after the third pat because it was getting weird, but Even still didn’t know what to do with himself so he asked dumbly “why?”

He’d be lying if he said the answer to that question wasn’t annoying the crap out of him. Eva and Jonas were Isak’s best friends, I mean he is a dick. Even knew that, but even Isak wasn’t _that_ cruel…was he?

Isak lifted his head slowly from his hands and slouched his body against the tiled wall of the bathtub. “I don’t know Næsheim, why do you think?” he bit, the familiar painful anger flashing back in Isak’s eyes. He was always angry Even thought, and he never knew why. Always wondered why he hated the world so much, why he hated him…Even didn’t know in this moment, but he was about to discover the answer.

He stared back at the drunk broken angry boy, not budging, not trembling under his dark gaze, instead he pushed him…proving that Isak Valtersen couldn’t bother him no matter what. And he wouldn’t.

“I think you have the hots for Eva but you’re too much of a coward to do anything about it.”

Even waited for the fall out, the screams, the “fuck you Næsheim”, but he got nothing but the mocking smile painted across Isak’s lips, the shake of his head as he drunkenly scoffed at Even’s words.

He looked at Isak confused. He wasn’t expecting this reaction.

“This whole time I thought you acted the way you do because you actually were smarter than everybody, but nope you’re just as fucking stupid as the rest of us. You just think you’re different” Isak laughed bitterly.

Even squinted at him his face instinctively leant closer, trying to understand the wrecked messed up boy in front of him. Trying but failing to work out why…he can’t seem to get up and leave.

“Then why?” Even finally asked after failing to find the answer himself.

Isak’s head hit the wall with a deep sigh “ahh fuck you Næsheim” he breathed right before wrapping his hand around the back of Even’s neck and pulling him down towards him.

Isak’s lips felt soft and warm against Evens. He kissed him like they were drowning and Even was the only way he could breathe again. His only source of oxygen. Even’s head swam through the water that the kiss filled his head with. He tried desperately to get out of the deep mess his mind was flooding with, but he couldn’t think. Isak’s lips destroyed him, took away every single logical thought Even always had. Isak kissed away his mind, his tangled, confused, terrifying mind and instead gave him hot, intense, colourful peace. So Even kissed him back. He let his tongue explore Isak’s mouth, and the warmth between them take away the world around them. The universe opened up and swallowed them both as his hands tangled in Isak’s messy curls, and Isak’s found the bottom of Even’s shirt. His cold hands pressed against Even’s stomach which tightened under Isak’s electric touch. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol but his body felt like it was on fire from everything he could feel. He felt so much and thought so little, it was like everything Even had always craved but never knew he did. His hands wrapped around Isak’s neck, pulling him closer, closer, instinctively needing more of him, more of his touch, his warmth.

In this moment Even completely forgot to hate him.

And then he remembered.

Isak pushed him away abruptly, his head swaying as he leant over the bathtub. Even found his mind coming back to him immediately, and his chest tighten at what he just did. “Isak I-“ he attempted to tell him- well he had no idea what he was going to tell him, but Isak stopped him before he could by groaning “ah shit” and then vomiting on the bathroom floor.

 

Even cringed at the memory, but also felt his heart quicken and his head vibrate as it always did now at the thought of the boy he was meant to hate.

And Even knew everything he should hate about him.

He should hate how Isak treated everyone in the world like a nuisance, how he rolled his eyes, groaned and whined whenever anyone said anything or had a single opinion. He should despise how possessive Isak was with Jonas, how he never let anyone go near him and bit their head off when they did. He shouldn’t be able to stand how grumpy, lazy, rude, messy and immature that stupid, confused mess of a boy was.

But still, Even couldn’t stop looking at him. Even now across the theatre from him, he watched as Isak rolled his eyes and waved his hands theatrically at Vilde as she tried desperately to explain something to him.

Even chuckled under his breath as the blonde boy pressed the script against his face and screamed against it.

He didn’t hate this. He loved it. He loved the things he could make Isak feel and do. He enjoyed the power he had over him. What kind of person did that make Even?

He liked watching Isak get flustered, angry, confused because of him.

Isak hated him.

Even knew he did, and there was a part of him that for some reason clenched painfully at that knowledge. He didn’t know why it would, but it did, and he tried to ignore it.

Even was doing this for his own enjoyment, to watch Isak being tortured right before his eyes, almost like his own form of social justice.

That was all this was.

Revenge for Isak always getting under his skin, for never leaving him alone.

Revenge for him not being enough for Even to hate.

Because Even wanted to hate him.

He needed to.

He just-

Didn’t.

 _______________________________________

 

Sonja’s arms wrapped tightly around Even’s chest as she leant down to kiss his neck from behind. He instinctively leant into her embrace as she whispered in his ear “I’m mad at you.”

He raised his eyebrows as he looked up at her, “oh? What for?”

He knew exactly what for but he enjoyed playing dumb. It gave people the chance to explain themselves. Sometimes they never really know what they mean themselves unless they say it out loud.

So Even waited as Sonja threw her hands in the air and shook her head.

“You honestly don’t realise how important this play is to me do you? Do you understand how good this could look on my college applications If it goes well….and how bad it would look if it doesn’t”

Even nodded as he listened to Sonja intently, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands behind his head.

Sonja groaned.

“I don’t understand why you’re upset, I thought you liked the changes I made to the script?” Even asked politely which earned another eyeroll from Sonja.

“You can be so stupid sometimes Even.”

 _Stupid_ he felt the familiarity of the word hit him somewhere he tried to ignore. He shook it off and continued to listen to Sonja’s rant.

“I’m not upset about your adaptation. It’s beautiful. Everything you create is beautiful.” Her tone softened as she placed herself in Even’s lap. “it’s just that total dick you have playing the flipping lead!”

Even laughed “Sonja you’re 18, you can swear you know”

She smiled fondly at him “don’t try to distract me. I know what you’re doing. If you’re using my play as some sort of revenge-“

Even snapped his head back “ _you’re_ play?”

She shook her head “you know what I meant.”

“this play is just as important to me..it’s my everything. You know that.”

Sonja nodded “okay, okay I’m sorry, just that arrogant tool is ruining everything.”

“it’s not that bad.”

“Even he has made Vilde cry 3 times and it’s been a week of rehearsals!”

he found himself chuckling “I’m pretty sure one of those times was because a spider crawled into her backpack, and another because her freshly manicured nail broke.”

Sonja glared “and the third time was because Isak said her breath stank.”

Even nodded “okay okay I’ll talk to him.”

Sonja didn’t seem convinced. “You’ll talk to him?”

“Yes”

“and he’ll listen to you?”

Even smiled confidently “I’ll make him.”

________________________________________________ 

 

Even watched as Isak stared intently at his science book, muttering curse words under his breath. He felt himself smile at seeing Isak like this, oblivious, focused, his forehead creasing as he tried desperately to find the answer…searching for an answer. Even shook himself out of his train of thought and walked over to Isak.

“I never took you for a science nerd” Even laughed, startling the boy out of his reverie. His face at first seeing Even was one of confusion, surprise and a mix of something Even couldn’t put his finger on. But soon the irritation fell upon him like a wave washing away any human emotion that made Isak look less like…a jackass.

“What the hell do you want now?” he hissed.

Even smiled mockingly. “Has anyone ever told you how much you resemble a snake?”

Isak didn’t find it funny. He glared back at Even in silence, waiting for him to disappear.

The ironic part is, he had no idea just how much Even wanted to disappear, how much he thought about evaporating in the darkness, leaving not a single trace of the person he was behind.

Whether Isak liked it or even knew it – they had this one desire in common.

 

Biting the inside of his cheek, Even pulled out the chair beside Isak and turned it around, before sitting on it backwards, angling his body towards Isak. He tried to make his voice soft and clear, the kind of voice he reserved for negotiating…trying to get people to agree with him. It was his phone voice.

“Listen, you have got to stop treating people and the play like crap okay?”

Isak stared at him like he just told him to shoot a puppy.

“You’re fucking kidding me right?”

Even kept his face serious, showing him that no he wasn’t joking.

“Since when did you think this play was something I would take seriously?”

“Since when did you think you had a choice? I still own you” Even shot back, deciding he was done trying to negotiate.

“fuck this” Isak breathed closing his book and picking up his back pack.

Even put his hand on the boy’s shoulder, stopping him from getting up, Isak jerked his head at him, his eyes lit on fire before shrugging viciously out of Even’s clasp.

“Look, you suck, and Sonja is getting up at me for casting you as the lead.”

“Then just get someone your queen actually likes.”

Even shook his head “no this is my play, not hers.”

Isak’s eyebrow quirked up in interest. He didn’t expect that reaction.

“I just- okay how about this, new deal, you do the play, be nice to Vilde and you meet up with me every week so I can make sure you’re actually learning your damn lines and-”

Isak looked at him in horror “How is that a better fucking deal? Spending quality time with you? No thanks asshole.”

Even put a hand up “let me finish, Jesus Christ, you are so impatient. You do all of those things and I promise you’ll never have to worry about me letting out your secret ever again. No more blackmail- from me ever. Hell I won’t even speak to you. You’ll be….free.”

Isak squinted at him in suspicion “how the hell am I supposed to trust that? That’s bullshit”

Even had to agree with him, it did sound a lot like bullshit. Hell he wouldn’t even trust It if he was in Isak’s position. He thought for a second,

“You can trust it because….when it’s all over I’ll give you something.”

Isak raised his eyebrows “hm?”

Even rolled his eyes “After you’ve finished the play, I’ll give you a secret about me that would ruin me if anyone knew. That way you won’t need to worry about me hurting you…because you’ll be able to hurt me more.”

Isak stared at him surprised. “You're serious? Fuck, what kind of secrets do you even have? You’re Nissens fucking golden boy”

Even felt himself falling for a minute, ‘the golden boy’. He tried to laugh lightly, to shake away the shadows he could feel appearing on his face, before getting up. “Wouldn’t you like to know snakeboy. Anyway, do we have a deal?”

Isak groaned “fucking hell, fine Næsheim, you can tutor me in pretentious asshole play talk, whatever gets you off”

Even smiled- genuinely for once. “Great, come over after school on Friday.” He said over his shoulder before walking away.

In the distance he could hear Isak exclaim “Wait, at your _house_?”

He smiled.

He didn’t hate Isak, but he sure as hell loved torturing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me feedback my darlings and come scream at me to get a move on with the next chap at my tumblr > Skamfairy  
> xxxx  
> Next chap will probably be Isak because I miss that kid. He's a mess and I miss him


	4. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey angels, sorry for the late update again. I will try to be quicker now that uni is on break but I do have a few other projects so we'll see. <3 Skam may be over but our parallel universes live on and so does skam through us. so lets go my pretties and I hope you enjoy this chap.

 

There were very few things Isak liked in the world

And 90s hip hop music?

Was one of them.

As he watched Even Bech Næsheim bopping his head to the music with a pen pushed back behind his ear, and a script sitting in his lap as he stared down at his own writing, Isak knew.

The bastard fucking ruined this for him too.

“do you really have to do that?” he snapped as he glared at the surprised amused smirk sitting on Even’s lips.

“what is it Romeo?” Even asked his eyebrows quirking as he leant back on his own couch, almost like he was getting comfy for the show Isak was about to give him.

Well he can just fuck off.

Isak slouched and folded his arms across his chest, “nothing” he murmured, waving the question away with the roll of his eyes.

Even chuckled, and Isak tried hard to ignore the way the sound made his skin jump.

Yes his skin fucking jumped and he knew he was a complete imbecile for thinking something as dumb as that, but that was exactly how it felt.

God he hated this guy.

“okay so I was thinking we could start here” Even reached over to indicate the part of his ridiculous play he was referring to with that smug grin still in place.

Isak would do anything to make it disappear.

Anything?

Isak grabbed the script he had tossed to the side earlier when he took it out of his backpack, and shook his head without even bothering to read the scene Even wanted him to run through.

The sooner Isak got through this the sooner he could get the fuck out and pretend it never happened.

The sooner he can finish the play, get his little piece of insurance that Even offered and never see the pretentious asshole again.

Because that’s exactly what Isak wanted, he told himself as he watched even’s fingers thread through his own hair and readjust his position on the couch, almost like he was transitioning himself in another character right before Isak’s eyes.

Isak cleared his throat.

Yes he couldn’t wait to fuck off for good.

Even raised his eyebrows and smiled like he just said something.

Isak stared back for a few beats before he realised he _did_ say something.

“what?”

Even chuckled and nudged his chin in the direction of Isak’s script twisted in his hands.

“ready?”

Isak rolled his eyes “yes, yeah, of course I’m ready”

He wasn’t.

Even’s eyes became challenging as he set them onto Isak and quirked an eyebrow, daring him to begin. Which is just- what the fuck, how is isak meant to just start reciting this garbage to this boy who is just-waiting to watch him make a fool of himself, how is he-

“there is something about you that changes something- no, _everything_ inside me and it’s infuriating but- but I don’t want it to stop” Even says while staring right into Isak’s eyes and causing every nerve in his body to stand still. Well fuck.

Isak couldn’t exactly breathe, couldn’t move and the worst part? It took him 38 fucking seconds to realise Even wasn’t saying those words to him, but was just reciting the script. The script he memorised. Jesus Christ Isak hadn’t even learnt one line yet.

Yes pretend you actually give a damn about your acting skills Isak so you can ignore the fluttering sick feeling in your stomach that makes you feel like you’re going to throw up and giggle at the same time.  

What. The. Fuck.

Even’s stupid expressive eyebrows raised in question at Isak’s gaping mouth and shock at what the actual hell just happened. He waited and waited. It wasn’t until he cleared his throat that Isak managed to look down at the script and find his line. A line he really didn’t want to say right now.

He looked up to argue exactly that but when he did, there were those fucking eyes again. Those bright blue eyes. Oh god they are so blue Isak thought as he caught the way they crinkled at the corners due to his smile. His smile that was directed at Isak and his inability to fucking speak right now. His insides were crumbling and he didn’t know why someone he hated smiling at him like _that_ would make him feel like this, like-

Oh dear god.

Finally he shook the stupid, ridiculous, impossible thought out of his head and read the line through gritted teeth.

“maybe it doesn’t have to, maybe you and I were m- oh jesus Christ I am so not doing this”

Isak threw the script on the table and crossed his arms to make his point.

“this is the corniest shittest crap I have ever read and I am NOT repeating it to you”

he waited for the shouts, the retaliation, Even’s insults to compensate for Isak’s critique of his writing….but instead all he heard was laughter.

He looked up and immediately wished he didn’t when the smile on Even Bech Næsheim’s face – the boy Isak hated, suddenly made him feel warm, calmer, and the buzz inside his stomach wasn’t going away anytime soon.

Even crept closer to Isak, his arm resting on the couch and his eyes following every inch of him as his laughter refused to die down. Isak gulped.

“tell me then, what’s wrong with it?”

as he spoke the words, his voice grew serious, enunciating every syllable, painting the words across his face with his eyes. Those fucking eyes.

“um everything? Are you fucking kidding me? _You and I are made for each other_ , what kind of Nicholas sparks on crack shit is this. I’m not going to say it I’m not”

Isak tried to ignore how close they were. Tried and failed. Even’s breath was on his neck, his arm almost grazing against Isak’s, and it felt like the world was moving in tar. Slow and sticky, Isak couldn’t get out. He was trapped, unable to untangle from the grip Even’s smile had on him.

Even’s fingers gently touched that smile as it grew wider, his eyes warming Isak. Which made no sense in the world because Isak was being an insufferable brat. But Even was acting like he just said something not just funny, but _nice_.

Even leant forward so his face was inches from Isak but Isak couldn’t move, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to as Even’s words warmed his cheeks.

“It’s okay Isak, you don’t need to be shy around me.” He winked as Isak gaped at him, the wind completely knocked all sense out of his mind.

“fuck I’m not-“ Isak began before Even tilted his head in a ‘honey I ain’t fooling for your bullshit’ way, causing Isak to roll his eyes “fine maybe I’m a little awkward about it” he confessed.

“I thought so, look the first rule of acting is to not think about it too much. You’re not saying any of this as you, you’re saying it as Romeo.” He raised his eyebrows and smiled again, making Isak’s stomach turn to jelly. “Okay?”

“Okay” Isak heard himself say but he didn’t feel like he had any control of what he was doing or saying anymore. He felt like he wasn’t inside his own head anymore. He was on the outside watching as his walls crumbled and fell around him. Watched as he stumbled over line after line and giggled when Even messed up.

Because Even fucking up? What a rare concept. The idea that the perfectionist sitting in front of him could trip over the words and choke on his laughter as Isak told him he should stick to directing, did something to Isak. It made his insides squirm and his world brighten a couple shades. Hell maybe,

maybe Even wasn’t so bad.

Even flicked through the script and grinned mischievously as he looked up at Isak, his eyes glinting with an idea Isak knew he wasn’t going to be able to get out of.

“are you having fun?” he asked suddenly grinning amusedly as Isak fought a smile on his lips.

“oh wow loads, my ideal Friday night is running lines to a play written by the most pretentious dick in Oslo _with_ the most pretentious dick in Oslo”

Even’s hand flew to his heart “wow I’m honoured”

Isak pushed him back as the room filled with Even’s giggles “shut up”

Even’s eyebrows quirked in excitement “make me”

Isak became fully aware suddenly that their legs were touching, he had let himself fall into Even, raising himself with his hands on either side of him where Even had fallen back on the couch.

He was frozen.

Even blinked up at him, and didn’t try to move, instead his hand reached up and pushed a stray curl back behind Isak’s ear.

Isak’s brain watched from the other side of the room as Isak stared back at the taller boy beneath him, and did nothing to try to untangle them. His brain tried to scream at him that this was the guy he had spent his entire life despising and also another thing THIS IS A GUY, but oh my god the lump in his throat, the hands on his hips, the blue eyes staring up at him with- with what? Challenge? Fear?....longing? it was all he could see, all he could feel, all he knew.

“Isak” Even breathed, his cheeks growing pink as he looked up the boy above him, his voice was shaky and his hands were warm where they had ended up on Isak’s hips, involuntary, accidentally….he didn’t plan this.

Didn’t he?

“I don’t like you” Isak repeated, but the words sounded flat, lost like he wasn’t saying them as a fact, but as a plea, to Even, to the world, to himself.

“I know” Even said back, their faces so close, Isak could feel the words land on his lips, sense the warmth of Even’s breath.

_Move._

But Even’s hand began moving up, following the trail of his spine, lingering on his broad shoulders until finally his hand gripped the back of Isak’s neck. His touch made Isak’s stomach flip and the edges of his world turn blurry. It was like there was something inside him tugging him forward, pulling him down, and his mind, his common sense no longer existed.

It didn’t matter that Even was the epitome of everything he hated the most in the world, because there was something inside him that needed to be closer. To feel Even’s touch, his lips, his hands all over him. to know what it would be like to kiss someone who made his insides feel like liquid honey, and not like cold stone for once. Because how could he ignore the desire creeping inside him as Even’s eyes, his hands held him captive, and made him forget to breathe.

“this isn’t in the script” Even said as he tightened his hold on Isak’s neck, his breathing heavy, his touch electric against Isak’s skin.

“fuck the script” Isak said before letting himself be pulled closer, his lips centimetres from Even’s.

“Isak-“

Even’s moan cut of suddenly by the sound of his phone buzzing frantically on the coffee table. Isak’s body spasmed as the sound brought his brain back into his body and he realised just the actual fuck he was doing. He jumped back, trying to reach as far on the other side of the couch he could without falling off it.

Even reached down and took his phone in his hand. His eyes observed the screen and flickered up at Isak for a beat before answering it and saying two words “hey Sonja”

Isak wanted to punch himself in the face and swallow that phone whole. What the fuck did he just do?

What the fuck did he _almost_ do?

Isak’s mind was a messed up place most of the time but right now it became a chaotic web of horror and anxiety he could not seem to untangle himself out of. What is wrong with him, what was he thinking, what will Even do, I mean he didn’t do anything exactly, this was nothing. It was nothing.

When Even hung up the phone, Isak was already standing up with his jacket and snapback back on, he grabbed his backpack and grinned at Even, who responded with a puzzled look. “Isak about-“

“so what do you think?” Isak cut him off as he shrugged his backpack on.

Even was confused “what?”

“I improvised!” Isak exclaimed proudly

“What?” Even repeated

Isak rolled his eyes “listen dude your script is boring, I mean it’s not as bad as I originally thought, but I realised a couple things, first acting actually isn’t that bad – I mean it’s practically fancy lying and trust me I am the master of lying”

Even squinted “yeah so you've said before”

“and second, if these two teenagers want to bone you can’t just smack them together….you have to I don’t know mix it up...ah sexual tension.” Isak stumbled a bit at that word but his smile covered it up nicely.

Even’s eyebrows raised “sexual tension? But then-“

“yeah so what do you think? How was the first lesson? I’m already learning new tricks right?”

Even’s face grew cold and empty as he nodded and followed Isak to the door “yeah I guess you are, your um…suggestions aren’t terrible.”

Isak turned to him “and my acting? Is that not so terrible either?”

Even smiled but there was no feeling behind it. “yeah Isak, for a minute there I didn’t even think you hated me.”

Isak’s stomach twisted and fear crept up his spine “well fuck we better not have that, maybe I’m too good.”

He felt the room grow cold as Even took every word he gave him and believed them “yeah maybe you are”

When Isak walked out the door and into the cold night he thought for a second that maybe he didn’t suck at acting after all.

Because if he could pretend that the walls around his heart were not crumbling and the poison inside his head wasn’t seeping, and get away with it, maybe he could also act as a boy who doesn’t get a hard on for the person he hates the most in the world.

_Maybe._


	5. Vilde & Isak

**VILDE**

Vilde Lien Hellerud did not believe in doing anything half way.

Whether it was picking out the perfect dress, or organising a fundraiser for the drama club, Vilde would give it her everything for the end result to be nothing but perfect.

_Perfect._

That was the one and only thing Vilde strived for. The epitome of the world she craved. She spent long nights staring at the ceiling in her thin bed, under the heavy blanket she kept her secrets under. Every night as she heard her mother’s cries in the other room, Vilde would take herself away and recite every single thing that would make the world perfect again.

What did Vilde need, who could she become to be the girl who had it all.

What lengths did she need to go through to become perfect?

It wasn’t long for the list to form, for her world to formulate as a clear path to happiness, success and more than anything, the consistency Vilde spent years dreaming of having.

 

First she needed to _smile_.

 

As she entered school on Monday, that is exactly what Vilde did. For her world to be perfect, Vilde had to act like it was. The smile she offered to every person who walked her way was received with warm smiles back and although she knew in the pit of her stomach that those grins, and smirks back, were anything but real, it did not matter.

After all, when was the last time Vilde had anything real?

When she smiled at Magnus, a boy in her year who smiles at Vilde in a way no one else really does, it reminded Vilde of the next thing on her perfect list.

 

_Boys._

 

If there was one thing Vilde knew she needed, in order to be perfect and the kind of girl who had it all and never messed up - it was a boyfriend.

If she had a boyfriend Vilde’s image could be a step closer to being the girl who had everything. As someone no one pitied, but wanted to be.

Sonja was the most popular, beautiful and strong girl in this school and her relationship with Even helped in making her desired and envied by all.

Vilde needed that.

And she wanted it more than anything, which is why she smiles flirtatiously at magnus and lets him wink back at her. But the feeling in her stomach that makes her feel like she is drowning is the reason why she turns on her heel and walks away before he can come near her.

Vilde needed boys, but wanting them was something she still tried to talk herself into.

 

Eating was another thing she had to talk herself into and was related to the next part of her list.

 

_Beauty._

 

If there was anything Vilde needed to be perfect at, it was her looks. The mirror wasn’t her friend but not many things were. Food wasn’t her friend, the girls staring back at her thinner and prettier than her in every tv show she watched, were not her friends.

She laughed as Eva threw a muffin at her, and caught it just before it landed on the ground. Eva’s long auburn curls framed her face as they cascaded down her shoulders, and her bright green eyes were focused on Vilde until she took a bite of the chocolate muffin.

Eva?

Eva was Vilde’s friend.

And unlike everything else, she wish she wouldn’t be.

 ___________________________________________________________________ 

 

Isak was in a foul mood as always but this time something was different.

“are you….feeling okay Isak?” Vilde asked as she watched him stare at where Even was standing with Eva, helping her with something in the script. He had been staring at him like that for a while now, Vilde knew because she had been looking at the same direction.

She gazed back at Isak, where he was sitting next to her with dark rings under his eyes and his script destroyed with notes and highlights.

She smiled enthusiastically “Isak have you been practicing?”

His eyes rolled at her and finally she saw less of a zombie and more of the boy casted to play her Romeo.

“I had nothing better to do okay?” he snapped tiredly, running his hand through his hair.

She jolted back and nodded “okay sorry Isak” she said quietly, twisting her hands and forcing herself not to look back at Eva. Don’t look, don’t look.

Suddenly a hand rested on top of hers.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…be a dick…I just” Isak looked up at Even and Eva again and then back at her “things have just been hard…and a little weird lately.”

Vilde stared at the boy she had known for a while now but never understood. She stared at the grumpy tired boy and for once something changed...something clicked.

She watched him fidget, watched as he attempted to not look in the same direction she forced herself to ignore and finally maybe…she could understand him after all.

Maybe they were both running from the same thing.

“weird how?” she finally choked out, the need to know she is not alone in the lies she’s told, digging deep inside her.

 _Tell me_ she pleaded, and for a second, she thought he might; but instead he smiled meekly at her before shaking his head.

“weird as in, I have to kiss a girl repeatedly without even taking her out on a date first” he bumped his arm against hers jokingly but it lingered.

Vide stared at him “sorry” she muttered, dropping her gaze to her feet. She could hear Eva’s laugh from across the room, and it did things to her heart that she tried desperately to not think about. She _tried._

“about what?”

she looked up to see Isak’s confused frown, his eyes burning with curiosity when they weren’t flicking towards the same sounds of laughter Vilde was _not_ thinking about.

She grasped the fraying edge of her shirt and averted her eyes.

“I just…I know you didn’t want to do this and then when you found out it was me you had to kiss -  I just I’m-“

“Vilde that wasn’t what - _shit_ ”

“I mean I know I’m not pretty like the other girls and I’m sorry”

Isak suddenly leant forward so he could make sure she was looking at him and not her fidgeting hands.

“Vilde, you are beautiful. And I’m just a dick. Listen kissing you is…. probably the only good thing about this play”

Vilde gazed up surprised. “really?”

Isak laughed “I mean yeah, it’s like the easiest thing I’m supposed to do in this damn thing” Isak waved the script around aggravatingly and stuck his tongue out while crossing his eyes, which made Vilde’s laughter turn into a high pitched screech.

Isak poked her sides “oh my god you sound like a dead cat”

She pushed him back “shut up”

Her insides felt warm as he smiled at her….and for once she didn’t feel like running away.

He didn’t….he couldn’t make her heart clench in a scary but thrilling way the way Eva’s smile did…but it wasn’t…for once it wasn’t terrible.

For once Vilde felt less alone.

She nervously twisted her hands as she gazed back up at him “um Isak, did you maybe want to, run lines? After school I mean.”

Isak’s mouth opened and Vilde’s stomach dropped. He was going to say no. he didn’t want to spend time with her. Of course he didn’t. who would?

His eyes gazed back at Eva and Even who were now joined by Sonja and something disappeared in Isak’s eyes as his back straightened.

“I don’t have anything better to do” he muttered before piling his books into his bag.

“let’s do it. my place?”

Vilde grinned “yea, I mean yes. Your place”

For one last time she looked back at Eva, watched as she laughed and felt her heart clench and her stomach flutter.

Yes, Vilde could live without these feelings.

She _could_ ,

And maybe if she crossed out that one part of her list…she finally would.

 

 

**ISAK**

Denial. It was one of Isak’s strong suits. As a child he lied so much that he began to believe the stories he told. Found himself drifting away into this false reality – alternate universe, where he could escape the mistakes, the feelings, the thoughts he kept on having. He could convince himself for a long time that he wasn’t the person he knew deep down he was.

Isak Valtersen was good at running from Isak Valtersen, but sometimes, there are some things you feel that you just can’t hide from.

The feeling of Even underneath Isak, as he gazed up at him with eyes that screamed desire, confusion and challenge, was something Isak could not hide, run from, or obliterate.

A week later and still he was kept up at night with the feeling of drowning inside Even’s eyes. He would think about his firm hands on his hips, the breath tickling on his neck, and his body beneath his, pressed against each other, so close all he would have to do is lean down a little more and –

And then Isak would fall asleep until he woke up again with a boner and the sick feeling in his stomach that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t escape this.

He couldn’t deny the feelings Even stirred inside him.

Not to himself

But he could still make sure that not another soul knew about this. Eventually this will go away, but until it does, Isak had to pretend it wasn’t there.

He had to stop letting the looks Even gave him from across the hall, make his stomach twist and his mind swim in a cloud of uncertainty.

He had to stop letting, the image of the hands that were once on him, being placed in Sonja’s hair, on her waist – gently grasping her face to pull her closer so they could kiss just like couple’s kiss; get to him.

Because fuck did it get to him, and he would lick Magnus’s foot before he admitted it out loud or let it fucking go before he tried to make it disappear.

Maybe if he could just for five seconds pretend it didn’t exist….

It would.

Just like his alternate universes as a kid.

Maybe it wasn’t too late for him to run after all.

 

________________________________________________________

 

“your parents are not home?” Vilde asked, her eyes darting around the mess Isak left in the living room.

“wouldn’t know, I don’t live with them.” Isak bit, shifting some crap his roommate Eskild left lying around.

“oh” Vilde said like she wanted to ask more, but knew not to. Despite what everyone assumed, Vilde wasn’t an idiot. She knew when not to push, prod or pull and Isak liked that.

It was a relief.

“okay so this whole page about Romeo fucking up and getting away with it is crap and I need help on how to sell it without rolling my eyes”

Vilde laughed, “he doesn’t get away with it Isak, he gets sent away.”

Isak frowned and sat down on the couch “yeah but Juliet does not even give a shit. He – does something wrong and she looks past it.”

“because she loves him”

“because she is too stupid to realise how wrong Romeo is for her”

Vilde’s eyebrows knitted “what do you mean”

“I mean-“ Isak stared at the ceiling for a beat. “I mean they were both stupid. Romeo clearly felt things for Juliet, but were they feelings he should have followed? No.”

Vilde fell into a deep thought before answering. “because the feelings that may arise when you are with someone may not actually mean what you mistaken it to mean.”

Her eyes locked with his.

“exactly.”

“maybe if Juliet stayed with Paris and tried to like him…she would have been happy”

“or at least pretended to be”

Vilde stared at the script in her lap “so what you’re saying is, the feelings Romeo and Juliet thought they had were just-“

“a teenage hormonal relapse. Romeo ‘loved’ Rosaline ten seconds before he got a better offer. It’s not love. It’s stupidity” Isak tried hard to not let the bitterness in his voice seep through but by the look on Vilde’s face he failed.

She flipped the script and straightened on the couch.

“well maybe Even wasn’t wrong, maybe this does transcend through time.”

Isak let himself take Vilde in finally, and he saw it. the sadness, confusion, shame; it was like looking into a mirror and it made him feel sick.

How could they let themselves be this pathetic? Wanting things they knew they both couldn’t have?

“Vilde we’re not going to let ourselves be stupid like these dumb kids in an overrated play”

“we’re not?”

“no”

Vilde frowned “Isak can I tell you something?”

“if I said no will you tell me anyway?”

she nodded, her eyes flashing with a challenge “probably”

“why?”

“because I have been holding this in for too long and sometimes you need to tell someone who doesn’t care”

“how do you know I don’t care?”

she raised her eyebrows

“yeah okay you have a point.” He mumbled.

She took a deep breath and stared at her hands like they were the most important thing in the world, like if she could concentrate hard enough they would help her disappear into another world.

Boy did Isak know that feeling.

She dipped her head lower and whispered “I like someone who I shouldn’t like because they like someone else and I - they aren’t right for me or my- or how I always planned my life to be.”

Well that wasn’t anything new.

Isak shook his head “Vilde you’re so much better than Chris, Jesus Christ he is a fuckboy with a penis for a brain I don’t even know why you and Eva like someone so-“

“it’s not Chris” the quiet frail voice that pierced Isak’s rant, stopped him dead in the tracks.

_It’s not Chris_

“oh”

_oh_

there was only one other person who was around Chris when Vilde stared, and fidgeted and became a distracted mess.

Only one other person it could be.

Isak watched Vilde crumble from the inside, he could see it in her eyes as she averted his gaze, and shook her head at her own words.

Denial

One of Isak’s strong suits.

And apparently also one of Vilde’s.

“but they can’t…they don’t mean anything. They are stupid like you said. Right?” Vildes eyes finally met Isak’s and his heart dropped at the desperate look in her eyes. She wanted from Isak what he wanted every night when he tried not to think about Even’s lips.

They wanted to be free.

Instead of answering her question Isak did something else.

He cracked.

“I have _feelings_ I shouldn’t be having and fuck Vilde they really _don’t_ mean anything because they can’t.”

Vilde’s features softened at his words before choking out one word “eva?”

Slowly, like gravity was holding him down and the air became thick and difficult to breathe, Isak shook his head “not Eva”

And then he saw the light go on in her head and the world not entirely collapse at his confession.

Well that is a positive I guess.

“isak-“

“look it just – it don’t fucking mean anything, it’s just so damn hard to see them together, to try to pretend that it’s…not there because-“

“how can it go away if we’re not trying to make it go away”

Isak nodded “I just want to get him off my back”

“I want to be normal”

isak looked up at her and sadness built inside him “me too”

he stared down at the floor and his worn in nikes and he thought – he thought about Even, how his hands seemed to touch Sonja a lot more now, how his eyes linger on him but only enough to remind Isak that whatever he was feeling was fucked and one sided and wrong. He needed to show Even he didn’t think, feel or want anything.

He needed to give the best performance of his life.

Vilde was chewing her nails when he looked back up at her with a smile twisting his lips. She stared back in confusion.

“what?”

he shifted on the couch, excitedly “Vilde, you want to get guys off your back right?

She nodded

“and you want to prove to everyone that there is nothing going on before it becomes obvious you-“

she frowned

“before anyone mistakes your feelings for something real”

she squinted “yeeeaah”

“and I-“ _want to make Even jealous_ “I just want to stop having to hear lectures about not being nice to my Juliet”

“Isak”

“okay fine I want to prove something too”

she pursed her lips and folded her hands in her lap, “so what are you suggesting Isak?”

he grinned because this was fucking brilliant. “well maybe I can help you and you can help me?”

“how?”

he rolled his eyes “isn’t it obvious Vilde? We pretend to date! We get everyone off our backs, prove that those feelings mean nothing…and maybe – after a while, they will just – go away”

Vilde thought about it for a moment before smiling “you mean you want to be my paris?”

“I want to be your fake boyfriend, but yeah okay whatever”

Vilde grinned “Isak that would be perfect.”

“I know. I’m a fucking genius”

Vilde pulled on a strand of hair, and Isak leant forward.

“so what do you say? Want to be my girlfriend?”

he offered her his hand and watched as she grasped it and they shook on the deal.

“you know we’re basically each other’s beards now right?” Vilde asked giggly

Isak cringed while smiling amusedly “okay lets make another deal to never say that ever again.”

Vilde laughed as she shook his hand one more time.

“deal”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pokes head in the door frame* so....what did you guys think? ahhhh sorry but my favourite gay children teaming up and helping each other (whether it being the right way or not) through their feelings has always been my dream to write. So i'm like so keen for this now. oh and fake relationships is one of my fave tropes so yes of course i did this. 
> 
> i've decided i'm gonna focus my energy on this fic so i can *try* to do weekly updates.
> 
> i said try. <3 love you guys tell me what you think in the comments below or on tumblr at skamfairy :) <3


	6. Even

When Even was seven he tried to run away.

He did something stupid. Broke some old vase that belonged to his grandma or something. He can’t exactly remember what it was.

But he remembers the feeling.

The feeling of doing something wrong, making a mistake that he couldn’t fix – and watching as the world collapsed around him because of it.

He knew the moment his mother found out what he did, the things he was capable of, she would hate him. Maybe even leave him.

He did something wrong and he knew there was nothing he could do to prevent the pain on his mother’s face when she discovered what he did. There was nothing he could do to stop the fact that Even had a habit of breaking things.

He couldn’t fix it, but he could escape from it.

So that’s what Even did.

He ran out with a bag full of crackers, his notebook, and some pencils, and kept walking until he found some old warehouse he could hide in.

It should have been scary but instead it comforted him. because no one could find him.

And they didn’t.

It wasn’t until he found himself feeling lost, cold and alone that he decided he needed to go back.

The moment he started walking home his father found him and dragged him home where his mother yelled at him for scaring her.

Since that day, Even had formed a habit of running away from his problems, and the ones he caused.

He had a habit of hiding.

But the thing about Even was, if he didn’t want to be found – no one could find him.

Except for one person.

 

“Isak do you have a minute?” he caught the boys arm and watched as he stiffened under his touch. Even dropped his hand like he had been burnt and gazed into Isak’s distant stare.

“I have class, but yeah you’re right, you are totally more important” Isak bit, but strangely the words were a comfort to Even.

This was all normal, everything is how it’s always been. This _is_ comfort.

Then why did it make his stomach clench?

“I just was wondering if we are still on?”

Isak made a face.

“for our sessions…about the play – I mean”

that is what he _meant_.

“yeah nah i’m not doing that anymore”

what the fuck they had a deal

“Isak we had a deal”

he shrugged “yeah you wanted me to work on the play, which I am – just not with you”

Even could have sworn he was just stabbed in the stomach and there was blood on the floor that no one could see.

Yeah he was bleeding, that is fine, let’s just ignore this new development.

“what do you mean?” he asked because Even was amazing with words, haven’t you heard?

Isak smiled “I’ve been having private sessions with Vilde”

“I’m sorry for a second there I thought you said you were working with Vilde”

 “I am. She’s my Juliet after all. I can’t believe I’m saying this but you were actually right about her. She is special – passionate. I feel like an idiot for not seeing that before”

This wasn’t actually happening.

“are you – are you being serious right now?”

Isak took a step closer and Even felt heat rising up his chest and his breathing hitch inside his throat. Holy fuck.

Isak placed his hand on Even’s shoulder and the contact sent a thrill down his body.

His face was only inches from his own and fuck could he see every single detail of his lips and his upturned nose and those god damn green eyes and the way they would look drawn into his notebook – if he could do them justice, capture the secrets hidden behind them, the whispers waiting to be spoken between his lips.

Even forgot to breathe. Holy shit Even forgot to hide from the feelings Isak Valtersen made rise inside him.

Isak smiled a smile Even knew well – it was the cruel placating smile Isak reserved right before the moment he insulted someone.

Even would be lying if he said he hated that smile, because still, it was fucking hot and Even wasn’t a saint.

“I actually should be thanking you, if it wasn’t for your dumb play Vilde and I? – hell we might never have happened”

the words knocked Even out of his reverie oh and also out of this god damn world.

“What?!”

the word came out a lot higher pitched and desperate than Even intended but who fucking cares.

Isak leant back, his hand slipping from his shoulder and Even found himself mourning his warm touch instantly.

“I know right? Who would have fucking guessed? Me and Vilde? But I dunno man it just works – I mean you would know right?”

There was a joyful glint in Isak’s eye as he licked his lips and rocked on the balls of his feet. Why the fuck was he so beautiful and why did it hurt so much?

_You know why_

“so you and Vilde are….”

He didn’t need to ask, he had seen it with his own eyes now that he thought about it. the touches, the laughter during sessions, how Vilde’s eyes lingered on him, how Isak smiled at her – a smile that had not a pinch of cruelty or mockery lying beneath it.

He smiled at her like he meant it.

But _still_ , Even had to hear him say it himself.

Isak grinned and patted him on the shoulder like they were pals now.

For some reason Even hoped they weren’t.

“we fucking are! Can you believe it?”

Even wished he couldn’t but of course he could, they were Romeo and Juliet – how more perfect could you get.

Hell Even casted them as lovers himself.

What a fucking gift.

“okay anyway I seriously gotta get to bio, catch ya næsheim”

and then he was gone, just like that.

Almost like he wasn’t just there, shoving a pole through his chest.

Sure every single thing he felt for Isak wasn’t something he could ever act upon – or want to for that matter.

But _fuck_ how was he supposed to run from something that followed him – that engraved itself into his mind and made his body respond from just the thought of the smallest touch on his skin.

Yeah no the question wasn’t rhetorical

Someone fucking tell him, because right now he felt like he was going to collapse under the pressure of ignoring it all.

It wasn’t enough

Where was he meant to hide?

 

______________________________________________________________ 

 

Okay so a few things Even was aware of; no matter how hard he had tried to deny it and fucking failed, he was attracted to Isak Valtersen in a way he had never felt before – ever for that matter. The boy just walks in throws a wink at the room and bam he’s thinking of Isak winking at him naked.

What? He didn’t ask for this?

Did he?

Next was how impossible it was becoming to keep the play alive while tip-toeing around Sonja and her hands – those of which couldn’t quite understand the word ‘break’ he had muttered just a few days ago.

Alright, he knew breaking up with the producer of his play was a dumb idea. He did. But he also knew he couldn’t keep pretending to be 100% with Sonja when 98% of the time he was thinking about those god damn cupid bow lips and the frustrating, arrogant, gorgeous boy behind them.

So it was only fair he paused things until everything he felt – and thought – and wanted – would somehow disappear; or until he got his shit completely together and started appreciating everything Sonja was for him. he just needed…some time to remember how much he needed Sonja; which was hard when his body kept telling him he needed something else

But he couldn’t exactly tell Sonja that could he?

“I just need some space” he had said, he was stressing and thinking and the pressure was heavy he couldn’t remember the last time he was able to breathe. He said all this while she smiled up at him and moved her fingers through her hair in that soothing way she does sometimes and it felt fucking nice but he also knew if she found out the reason why he felt all of these things she wouldn’t be so understanding.

But she was because she’s Sonja and he’s Even and they have paused their relationship about 6 times in the last two years now.

This is what they did when things got too much, and emotions were high and they didn’t know how to be around each other without wanting to scream every time the other blinked. They would have a break, chill out for a bit, let it settle until one of them was on the others doorstep, crying and telling them they couldn’t live without them….that they were lost.

Even wasn’t sure if they did this because they actually needed the space or because the sex afterwards was pretty awesome.

Either way it was a system he was happy with at the moment, because Sonja gave him space without wanting to break his balls in the process.

Win/win.

But you know what isn’t a win/win?

The third thing Even was _painfully_ aware of.

Isak and Vilde were not just doing an incredible job on the play chemistry wise, but they were both incredibly fucking happy. Even noticed this when he watched Isak pull on one of her braids as she threw her head back laughing and became the complete focus of Isak’s attention. He looked at her like she was his world and he would do anything to protect her. For once Isak almost looked happy.

It made Even feel sick.

“okay can you guys just stop messing around for five fucking minutes so we can go through a proper rehearsal?” Even heard himself snap, his hands actually clapping together like some kind of obnoxious authority.

It was disgusting and Even cringed at himself instantly as he watched everyone in the room stare at him in surprise.

Isak scoffed “jesus boss, what’s crawled up your ass these days?”

 _Wouldn’t you like to know smart ass_ , he thought; biting his tongue from making some kind of dick joke. It was what he did when his mind was all over the place and he couldn’t refrain himself from being a total dickhead.

Instead he just threw him a cold glare that only made Isak’s eyes flash with confusion and his eyebrows lift out of curiosity.

“okay um…maybe we should just have a break and chill or something?” Eva suggested coming up to set a hand cautiously on his shoulder like he was about to snap.

“We don’t have time to chill Eva, this whole thing is a mess!” he screamed into an endless void, eyes staring through him in concern.

He noticed how quiet everyone had gotten and he wondered in horror ‘have I snapped?’

His skin felt too tight and his hands were too sweaty, he could feel the pattern his heart made as it vibrated through his body and the room began to spin fast.

He reached out for a lifeline instinctively and found the curve of Eva’s hip. He could feel her grasp onto his arms desperately like she was worried he was going to fall. Was he falling?

“hey Even are you okay?” he heard her ask and his head shook

“I’m fine I’m fine…I just – need some air.”

“should I get Sonja? She went to get some coffee I can-“

“no, don’t” he bit shaking her arms off. “I’m okay”

he tried to focus on the room but failed, the air felt too hot against his face and he could feel the air becoming too hard to breathe. “just take a break – I need to-“

he already began to walk out before he could say the last word but before he did he finally was able to see one thing. Green eyes staring back at him.

They weren’t mean or mocking, or angry.

They were concerned.

And they just made breathing a lot harder.

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

He was sitting on a bench just outside the theatre, 15 minutes later, the cool breeze hitting his skin and pushing the hair off his face in the best way possible. He could feel the heaviness in his feet as he rested them on the bench, and the rough wood under his fingers where he rested his hands on either side of him, perched on the top. High enough that he could feel less small than he did right now.

His breathing had slowed down to soft white noise and his heart began to beat at a solid pace. The world was silent again apart from the thoughts holding onto the edges of his mind, whispering soft tales to him as numbness crept into his heart.

He could feel the veil dropping and he tried to let the darkness in the sky guide him to a light…any light. He should go home, call someone, do something – but he couldn’t move.

He was frozen, sitting on this bench, in darkness.

Like he was born to.

The moment grew longer and the air became thicker, the dark world wrapped itself around him like a blanket and he felt himself sinking deeper quicker into the inevitable sea of insecurity, misery and despair.

He heard the footsteps before he felt the bench groan beneath him as a body sat next to him.

He still didn’t move.

“are you okay?”

and just like that three words caused him to lift his head and look back at the lips, the eyes, the boy he couldn’t get out of his system. He looked at him and he wondered why someone who has only ever been mean to him makes him feel so much less alone and less likely to fall into that sea.

“do you care?” he finally said back his eyes trapping Isak where he sat. He watched as the boy squirmed under his gaze and it sent a thrill up Even’s spine.

The way he could make him react just from looking at him made him wonder what he could do with just a touch-

But that was another thought he should let fly from his fingertips.

It was wrong

Everything about the way Isak biting his lip nervously compelled Even, was wrong.

But that didn’t make it go away.

“do you know why I was always mad at you?”

Even raised his eyebrows;

“okay fine I’m still being a dick you’re right…point is – do you know why?”

_did he know why_

flashes of Isak’s lips moving against his, hands on his chest, alcohol on his breath; moved in his mind at lightning speed. He felt his heart quicken and his body still at the thought.

He knew the answer wasn’t remotely close to what he wishes it was…and so he shrugged.

And it was that shrug that caught isak’s eyes.

Caught it enough for him to move his gaze from the broad length of Even’s shoulders to the curve of his neck, his jaw; he swore he didn’t imagine it when Isaks eyes stilled at his lips – drinking them in as he swallowed before finally meeting Even’s stare.

Time froze for a long time. The seconds dripped down like thick honey on a spoon.

Isaks eyes captured him, he became prisoner to their irresistible undeniable need to gaze deep into Even’s conscious. He watched as Isak saw through the veil delicately folding between them, and dug out a piece of the Even he wasn’t sure anyone else could see.

He could see it in Isak’s eyes, the moment he saw it and in return Even felt the world turn a couple shades brighter as he saw nothing but compassion light Isak’s eyes up as they didn’t just look at each other.

They began to see one another.

Isak coughed and broke the spell, but not the washing machine in Even’s stomach.

“I – I am jealous dude.”

Even continued to stare because how could he stop, but the chip on Isak’s shoulder that just jabbed him stung a little bit.

But then – fingertips grazed his own and he felt Isak’s hand ghost his, gently tracing a pattern on his hand with his soft cold fingers. It left Even speechless but he refused to look down and ruin the magic – the unspoken golden light of warmth he knew they both felt from the touch.

“I –  you are the most charismatic, passionate, charming person I have ever met. You walk through a room and it is impossible for a single eye to not be on you. You have this – fuck I don’t know some kind of pull on people – it is frustrating how you can capture attention…and I used to be so mad about it because what made you special huh?”

Isak’s hand stopped tracing patterns to lay down on his like it was protecting it from the cold, coating his fingertips with his own.

He opened his mouth to continue but held his breath a moment, stumbling around the words before he finally found them.

“but then – but then I fucking realised you didn’t mean to – jesus Christ you don’t even fucking want it! I see that now and I see how you look at people with – with actual fucking compassion and care and okay – point is you’re not an asshole but just a really good, talented and understanding guy. Everyone loves you Even –“

Isak lifted his head to look back into Evens eyes, just so he could see how much truth was behind them. The nerves, the intensity behind Isak’s gaze gave Even goosebumps.

“I mean – how could they not?”

and that was the single moment the air inside Even’s lungs were knocked out of him. he felt himself stumbling within, the dilemma between the strong crashing weight of feelings Isak unleashed out of him tumbling against him, fought the wave of uncertainty and fear.

Fear of what any of this meant.

Of what came next.

Isak widened his eyes a little and laughed nervously, awkwardly; and something stabbed Even in the heart a little as he realised just how vulnerable Isak was under the armour he often wore in front of Even.

The armour Even never wants to see again.

As he gazed at this beautiful boy in the moonlight who may or may not hate him Even decided; he was going to do everything in his power to see Isak in every light possible.

This wasn’t enough, he needed to know every angle – corner – and edge of Isak Valtersen.

He needed it as much as he needed the light to see through the dark.

“say something” Isak whispered.

Even stared at the curve of his nose, the soft pink of his cheeks before finally finding the words he couldn’t get out of his head.

“You said my name”

Isak frowned “what?”

“you- my name – you said my name. You never have before.”

Isak’s breath was a ghost on his cheek as he exhaled loudly, his hand twitching against Even’s slightly.

“I haven’t?”

Even refused to keep their eyes apart as he let his world focus on the way the shadows from the lights made Isak’s skin become a canvas, the patterns of the shadows dancing on his arms, his cheeks, his lips. It was all he saw. All he could know.

“no” he breathed “you haven’t”

The distance between them was barely a breath apart and there was nothing stopping Even from kissing him; from connecting their lips and tasting the light that touched hid lips, to let his hands remind him he was here, he was real, this was real.

There was nothing stopping Even from kissing Isak.

“Oh there you are!”

Even snapped up as he saw Vilde – his Juliet – Isak’s girlfriend – the one thing that could stop him from kissing the light off Isak’s lips; stand right in front of them and hold her hand out to Isak.

He tried hard to swallow his grimace.

Vilde was very tentative, she gazed at Isak as if she was making sure he was free of injuries; her eyes held his face and she nodded her head slightly; right before Isak nodded back with a meek smiley.

Their natural connection made Even’s stomach sink and his heart burn and he just needed to look the fuck away but how can he when the light is still on Isak’s lips and no one is kissing it away.

“Eva was wondering if you feel well enough to continue….or if we should just call it a night?”

it took Even a moment to register that the words were for him, and he reluctantly ripped his eyes off of Isak and looked at Vilde who was staring politely back at him.

“I’m fine, we will continue” he said tight lipped, jumping up from the bench and already heading back to the theatre doors.

He didn’t need to turn back to know that they were staying back a bit, to talk, kiss, check up on the 10 minutes they were apart. Things couples did.

Things that made Even feel like he was standing in the middle of an empty room – water rushing in – filling up so fast he had no time to think before he couldn’t breathe anymore.

He felt Sonja’s hands find him again and when he did, he fell back into them. She didn’t have the light on her lips, or the secrets behind her eyes but she made the sea feel less lonely.

Which is all he longed for when the only thing he could feel was the burning in his lungs as the water consumed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry - i promise next chapter is gonna make up for this (if it all goes to plan)
> 
> also whoop i updated within a week of the last update go me! lets keep trying with these weekly updates eyyyy (hopefully i'm not jinxing myself rn) 
> 
> anyways let me know what you think of this chap <3


	7. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knoooooooooow it's been so long but things got busy and blah blah blah. Important thing is NEW CHAPTER is here! I hope you do enjoy this, and that it makes up for the delay. Enjoy 4k of....whatever this is lmao

  **ISAK**

 

When he wasn’t breaking up his best friend’s relationships, rehearsing for a play that makes him want to tear his eyeballs out, and pretending to be in love with a lesbian – Isak usually spent his time avoiding parties.

It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy parties exactly – getting high with his friends and drinking beer until he can’t feel his tongue anymore? Awesome.

It’s just…well….

Isak fucking hated people.

“okay first of all, you promised, and second? Please Isak I have to go to this and I can’t be alone” Vilde whispered into his ear in a rush as she pulled on his arm and led him up the steps to Eva’s house.

There were already people making out in a bush on the left of Isak and he didn’t even try to hide his annoyance that this is what he was doing instead of binge watching Netflix and eating food until he couldn’t think about anything else anymore.

Vilde stopped right in front of the door and let her hand hover over the door for a second.

“this will be okay right? We can pull this off?”

Isak could hear the anxiety in her voice and he understood where it came from. Sure they had been seen walking hand in hand at school before, but this? This was a party. Their first social outing as a couple. It was a big deal. Isak cringed at the thought. He was beginning to sound like Vilde.

“Listen it’s not a big fucking deal. We go in get drunk tell everyone we’re in love, you get yourself some closure on Eva and boom we’re out”

“but….”

“but what Vilde?”

Vilde bowed her head like she was ashamed and replied in a quiet voice “but I always want to kiss Eva when I’m drunk”

Isak didn’t know what the fuck to say to that so he knocked on the door instead.

The muffled sounds of the music suddenly hit Isak hard in the face as Eva swung it open and showered them with a drunk dazed smile.

A smile that disappeared the moment her eyes focused in on Vilde clutching onto Isak’s arm.

“oh you made it!....together” Eva spits between her teeth while glaring at Isak with anguish.

Sure, so he hasn’t been the _greatest_ friend to her lately. He knows – but does he really deserve this?

“come on Vilde” Eva says before pulling Isak’s faux girlfriend away from him and leading her to some other crowd in the living room – leaving Isak Entirely alone.

Okay fine maybe he did.

Isak lingered in the doorway for a moment before finally walking inside. He looked around, capturing faces that seemed familiar, and others he couldn’t recognise.

The last time Isak was at one of Eva’s parties, he had woken up in her bathtub covered in vomit and regret. He doesn’t remember much but from the memory of the marching band inside his head the day after; he knows he must have been in self destructive mode that night.

Tonight was different though; he wasn’t here to destroy – he was here to mend.

Which was a little hard considering that Isak was a fucking walking disaster.

Pushing through horny teenagers and sweaty bodies – one guy spilling beer on isak’s shoes – isak remembered exactly why he never lets himself endure a party sober.

Jesus Christ he needed a drink.

Straightening his back and pushing past a girl trying to wrap her arms around him, Isak found himself aiming for the kitchen like it was his life source or something.

And in a place like this it kind of was.

He only rounded the corner, tripping over a step he swears to god was never there before when he saw him.

He was leaning against the staircase, his jacket hung over one shoulder and his hand cradling a beer as he laughed at something Sana was telling him. Isak tried to tell the frantic beat of his heart to calm the fuck down but it was like telling a fish not to be wet.

Seeing Even made his body do weird things, and Isak was only beginning to accept it.

But how could he when he wanted so badly to ignore the jab in his spine that was telling him to go over there. To be near him. Talk to him, maybe even tease him like the little shit he was because lets be fucking honest; Isak obviously has a kink for being a dick and he’s only starting to come to terms with this revelation.

His hands found themselves running through his hair nervously as he stared at the twist of Even’s lips as he smiled at something a guy was telling him, his eyes sparkled and his hair was fucking fantastic as always and all of this combined with the fact that Even was turning in his direction, made Isak nearly jump out of his skin.

But he didn’t turn towards him.

He didn’t even see him.

 

When Isak was a child he had a cat named lea. She was nothing but a soft ball of orange fur that took up space in his bed at night; and stuck her paw in his cereal just for the fucking fun of seeing isak getting up to make another bowl.

But holy shit did Isak love her.

When the stars were unable to be seen out of his window at night, and the air was cold and his family was falling apart, that orange ball of fur was in his arms keeping him warm.

That orange fur hid his face as he cried to the sound of his parents shouting and a love being forgotten.

Lea was the only thing he let himself love and trust and feel for.

And just like everything else, she was taken away.

 

Isak never thought he would ever let himself get to the point where he would be feeling the way he did the September morning he found lea lying on her bed limp and cold and fast asleep…but he was wrong.

 

As he watched Sonja’s hands grasp either side of Even’s fucking gorgeous face, and her lips met his – Isak’s stomach dropped and he could feel the tightness of something in his chest tugging at him, forcing him to forget how to breathe.

Isak felt like an idiot because he was standing here watching a dude kiss his GIRLFRIEND which okay is a thing he is allowed to do; but here he was thinking about his dead cat and feeling something that yep, yes that definitely feels like pain.

But why.

What the fuck is wrong with Isak and his brain and his heart (which okay he was pretty sure he got rid of years ago), that none of it can grasp the fact, that Even isn’t someone he is supposed to hurt over.

He was supposed to be someone he hated.

And look, he does hate him.

Standing here watching him make out with a beautiful woman while Isak thought of dead animals and everything wrong with him, made him hate the guy a little.

But the fact that he was standing here thinking of losing things he…. _cared_ about made him very fucking aware, that he didn’t hate Even and probably wasn’t even capable of it.

Which is not very fucking convenient mind you.

“Isak! You need a drink?”

The words spoken right in the silence between songs not only snapped Isak out of his reverie, but brought Even’s eyes to settle on Isak. His hands still wrapped around Sonja’s waist, and his lips still attached to her own.

But his eyes?

They were staring at Isak like he had the answers to why the world became incapable of being able to breathe and move and focus when they were in the room together. He looked at Isak like he didn’t have his tongue down another’s throat. He looked at Isak like he wanted to kiss him instead.

And there was really only one way Isak can respond to a guy staring straight at him while he kissed his girlfriend which also made Isak want to go home and cry…yep no there was one thing.

He turned to Mahdi and threw him the most fake and desperate fucking grin he could muster.

“yeah man, lead the way.”

 

The moment Isak found his way in the kitchen, a beer was placed in his hand, followed by an awkward pat on his back from Jonas.

“hey man, are you okay?” his question was paired with a concerned look thrown at him which Isak ignored by tossing his head back as he took a swig of his beer.

“never better” he muttered, hoping it was convincing enough for Jonas to drop it.

by the way Jonas’s eyebrows knitted together, Isak could tell it wasn’t.

Thankfully Magnus’s evident sulk in the corner of the kitchen counter distracted them both from everything Isak wasn’t saying.

“hey Mags, relax…it’s a party! Have fun” Mahdi said while cracking open another beer.

Magnus pouted before finally directing his gaze at Isak, “sorry, whatever” he muttered, slumping further in the corner if that was even possible.

And fuck, since Isak told the boys he was “dating Vilde” Magnus had been withdrawing further from Isak which consequently made his friendship with Jonas and Mahdi also awkward and strained and well okay Isak was lying and fucking around and being a dick…but listen, Vilde wouldn’t be into Magnus anyway…so was he really breaking the ‘bro code’?

By the way the cold silence in the room made everyone stand around like they would rather have their teeth pulled then stand in a room together, Isak could tell, yes, it did still count as breaking the bro code.

And just like most things in Isak’s life…

He had gone and fucked up a good thing just to escape the reality of every single situation he was going through right now.

Jesus Christ, if anyone deserved that asshole of the year award – it was him.

Isak opened his mouth to say something to Magnus but like the coward he is, he closed it shut. There was nothing he could say, or do without revealing the truth and that was never an option for Isak.

So he said nothing, and instead swallowed his beer like it was giving him oxygen.

“hey boys” Eva shouted as she walked in with Vilde and Chris Berg by her side, and Isak not wanting to be in the same room with his ‘girlfriend’, her crush and his friend who is crushing on his as previously mentioned faux girlfriend; Isak scrambled and turned around – to get the fuck out of there before something lights up on fire.

As he turned however, he walked straight into someone’s chest.

And somehow Isak knew before he even had to look up just who it was.

Because by now he knows just how much the universe fucking hates him.

“hi” Even said softly, looking at Isak like he was just the person he wanted to see. And you know what? Fuck him.

“hi” Isak replied, refusing to look anywhere but directly behind him. “I’m kinda trying to get somewhere, can you fucking move? Or something?” his voice was rough and a little shaky but he hoped that Even couldn’t notice. He can’t know just how much of a little bitch he is around him.

Even looks down before meeting his eyes again, his features are soft, serious as he captures a glimpse of Isak’s gaze, before he tries to look over his shoulder again.

“I…how have you been?”

Isak screws up his face “how have I been? We literally see each other in rehearsal all the time”

“yeah but- I mean how has things been with-“

“alright guys break it up, this is MY party and we’re gonna have fun” Eva shouted in Isak’s ear as wrapped an arm around each of their shoulders.

Isak shook his head “I’m gonna go”

“bullshit. You just got here. Besides-“ she looked over at Vilde who was laughing with Chris and Sana who had just joined them. “you’re not seriously going to leave your girlfriend are you?”

She had a point. Isak couldn’t leave Vilde. Eva also said the word with such poison, it made Isak want to get the fuck out of here more…but no he could not do that to Vilde. They promised to be here for each other. To help…and him leaving? Well now that would _definitely_ get him to win asshole of the year.

He rolled his eyes “of course not, what kind of boyfriend do you think I am Eva?” Isak asked with a cheeky grin he conjured up out of nowhere, covering up his fucking pain at being so close to Even.

Eva smiled but it looked as fake as Isak’s felt. “you don’t really want me to answer that do ya?”

And wow okay, Isak knew their friendship had been a little….estranged since the whole Jonas thing….and yes he is a dick but he never saw such a cruel glint in Eva’s eye. Even when he is being a straight up asshole to her, she always looks more….disappointed then angry. But now? There was something bitter stirring inside her that Isak recognised and it kind of confused the crap out of him.

Before he could even consider calling her out on it, Vilde popped over next to Eva with an intoxicated grin. Ah shit.

“are you both gonna play?” she asked, her eyes practically glued onto Eva even though the question was directed at Even and Isak.

“um Vilde, don’t you think we should g-“

“play what?” Even’s sultry fucking nice voice cut in and Isak whipped his head in his direction in annoyance.

“never have I ever” Eva answered, pouring herself another drink. “it’s happening in the living room now.”

“sounds like loads of fun” Even answered, surprisingly cheerily.

“I would rather gouge my eyes out with a fork” Isak responded, finishing his beer and putting it on the counter.

“well it sounds like your kind of game then” Even said smiling.

Isak scowled “fuck you Bech Næsheim”

Eva handed him a drink before taking Vilde’s arm and heading for the party. “stop being a fucking bitch and come on” she shouted on her way out and Isak stuck his tongue out like a 6 year old.

He sighed, the fucking things I do for Vilde, he thought.

Just as he was about to make a move for the living room he felt Even’s breath at his ear and a chill go up his spine as he whispered “gladly”.

And just like that he was walking in the direction the girls went, leaving Isak looking like the air had just been sucked out of him.

What the actual hell was that?

 

“Never have I ever…eaten something out of the trash” Noora says after thinking about it for what felt like a fucking eternity.

Everyone screws up their faces when Mahdi drinks proudly.

“what? None of you have saved a decent waffle from wastage before? You all disgust me”

Vilde squirms uncomfortably and Isak reaches over to take her hand in his instantly. They try not to talk about it too much, but Isak knows enough about Vilde’s home life to know she was lying about the question just as much as he was. How many times in the past has Isak picked up packets of chips that kids at school have thrown out just because they don’t like the flavour, so he doesn’t starve at night while his parents forget to feed him in between their fights? Too many to even think about.

“does that count the chick Jonas hooked up with last week?” Magnus asks, laughing at his comedic gold, earning a whack over the head from Jonas.

“Never have I ever been in a room full of ignorant, sexist pieces of shit” Sana says before taking a sip of her soda, and high-fiving Noora as she follows.

“yeah your all assholes” Eva says also taking a sip.

“hey I was just kidding!” Magnus says, pouting.

Isak’s barely even paying attention though. He’s trying so hard not to look over at Even but it’s kinda sorta pretty fucking difficult when he’s spending the whole game staring at him, or laughing at something or I don’t know, just doing that thing with his stupid eyes.

Oh god Isak needs to get himself a grip.

He feels Even’s eyes rest on his hand that is wrapped in Vilde’s and Isak feels himself flush with pride. Yeah that’s right asshole, I don’t give a damn about you. But he can’t help feel a shiver crawl up his spine when Even looks at him again with….with jesus Christ he doesn’t know but it’s hungry and terrifying and it’s turning Isak on quite a bit.

“Never have I ever…wanted to fuck someone in this room” Mahdi says and the room turns into a shout of cheers.

“Now we’re talking.” Chris says smiling and taking a sip while winking at noora who winks back at her with a laugh.

Even stares at Isak as he throws his own drink back, smiling as he licks his lips. To be completely honest, Isak is pretty fucking shook right now and if he doesn’t get out soon he will be sporting a not so subtle tent in his pants.

Isak turns to see Sonja talking to one of her friends….the one with short dark hair – emma Isak is pretty sure, right on the other side of the room. She’s not playing but she’s in the room. Whatever.

Fuck this game.

Isak takes a swig anyway. I mean Vilde is in the room and she is his ‘girlfriend’ so it makes sense. So yeah okay he takes a swig. It doesn’t mean anything.

Eva takes a sip and announces to the room “I mean you’re all so hot, I would probably bang most of you.” she leans over to Vilde and whispers in her ear, so fucking loudly the whole room can hear it “except Isak, I mean EW”

Vilde giggles and blushes like Eva is a damn god and Isak wants to somehow remind her to calm the fuck down and remember the whole point was to GET OVER their stupid feelings. But also Isak doesn’t want to be a hypocrite considering he’s concealing a boner for a guy that he supposedly hates and wants to fuck at the same time.

Seriously fuck this game.

“Never have I ever made out with someone I didn’t like” Even’s voice breaks through the lull of laughter and when Isak turns to look at him he finds Even’s eyes on him again.

Noora takes a sip which causes a raise of Eva’s eyebrow.

“Wilhelm?” Noora says like it’s obvious and the girls nod in understanding. “I told him I wasn’t into him so he kissed me anyway and I replied with a punch to his big fat ignorant nose” she explains to the room.

“nice” Mahdi smiles in appreciation.

“from what I know, he had to spread a rumour that he got into a fight with the yakuza boys just so the school wouldn’t know he got rejected and beat up by a girl.”

“iconic” Eva says before taking a sip of her own drink. “I don’t really like penetrator Chris” she says. Jonas raises his eyebrows and Isak finds himself doing the same – or you know to also try and ignore Evens stare.

Vilde perks up beside him, “you don’t?”

“nah I mean I find him really hot but he kinda? I don’t know sucks as a person?”

Vilde grins and turns to Isak with obvious excitement.

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. Keep it in your pants girl.

Isak is busy trying to keep an eye on Vilde that he almost misses Even drinking; but he doesn’t.

Everyone waits for an explanation.

He smiles “oh just this random hookup with this _rude, judgemental, arrogant, blonde who’s really into rolling their eyes_ ”

Everyone laughs but Isak.

He’s heard that before.

Romeo’s description.

His description.

_“be my romeo”_

and suddenly, Isak is hit with a million bricks, a bathroom and a whole lot of fucking tongue.

The room begins to spin and he feels the walls of his chest close up as he realises. As it all comes back.

He jumps up immediately, ignoring everyone’s eyes on him as he runs out of the room, he hears his name being called behind him but he doesn’t turn back. He just keeps walking.

He finds himself walking into a room and he sits on the bed, taking deep breaths. Trying to ignore the images flashing in his head. The feelings edging their way up his throat.

The door opens and he whips his head up to see Even, closing the door behind him.

“Isak” he says, taking a step closer. And suddenly Isak is pissed. He stands up abruptly, glaring at him. “you fucking asshole” Isak says not even bothering to come up with a good thing to yell at him. yeah no this will do. “You fucking- fucking ASSHOLE”

“Isak” he takes a step closer.

“NO” Isak waves his hand up like a moron but whatever he is ANGRY. “No you can’t just- you- YOU KISSED ME, while I was super drunk you- you I hate you”

“Isak” he is laughing now, and it’s beautiful and pretty and isak wants to slap him (but not really).

“It’s not FUNNY”

Even raises his eyebrows, a smile still in place. “Isak, YOU kissed ME”

Oh

“what?”

he takes a step closer and Isak feels his chest constrict.

“i- I what?”

“it doesn’t matter anyway”

“what the fuck? Of course it matters Even! I hate you and I…I-“

Even’s so close now Isak can smell his shampoo, feel his breath, see the colour of his blue blue eyes. “do you?” he whispers.

And something inside Isak breaks, it melts, withers, becomes a shadow of what it used to be and it takes two seconds until Isak is aware of what it is.

It takes him closing the distance and finally crashing his lips against Even’s to know that it was the sad little piece of self-restraint he had left.

Even’s lips are soft and quick against his own. They capture every last drop of Isak’s uncertainty. Of his fear, doubts, confusion. Even’s lips, his touch, his kiss, they push it all away until everything, every second that matters is inside this moment. Between them. Even’s hands tug at his hips and suddenly Isak’s tangling his arms around his neck, pulling him closer, feeling his chest press against his own. And fucking hell it feels good. Being close to him, feeling his hands press against his back, his lips suck on his neck. The moans he lets out are loud and embarrassing but the feel of Even’s hips pressing into his boner, literally throw all of his embarrassment out of his mind. Because who the hell can even think about embarrassment when Even’s dick is right fucking there.

Jesus Christ he was SO gay.

And although Isak will probably go home and obsess over it later, right now he just wants to kiss Even, and touch him, and feel him, fucking feel him against him.

“holy shit Isak” Even moans against Isak’s lips as he jerks his hips back against Even.

“I have wanted this for so long”

The words do something to Isak. They tug at something in his chest and spread warmth through his body. They make his world brighten up a notch and his heart beat quicker.

“same” he mumbles because he is a god damn poet.

He pushes Even against the wall and kisses his neck, lets his hands roam under his shirt like he’s only dreamt about for the last few weeks. Even’s lips catch his own again, and his kiss is hungrier, hotter, needier than before – and not that it was even possible but Isak feels himself get even more turned on than before.

He presses himself against Even again and hears him moan in his ear when his boner presses against his own.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing feels better than Even’s lips against his, his hands on his hips, the feel of him pressing against his own erection. It feels so fucking good that Isak doesn’t even think about anything else. Nothing else matters but Even’s hands, lips, his moans.

“Even” he breathes and Even groans in response.

“I love it when you say my name”

Isak laughs because what the fuck, but he says it again anyway.

“Jesus Christ I’m obsessed with you” he says, bitting Isak’s lip which sends a thrill up his spine.

Isak can’t think anymore. He doesn’t want to. He needs him closer, he needs to feel every single inch of him. it feels like everything around him has evaporated and I he can see, feel, think is Even Even Even.

His tongue is still inside Even’s throat when he pushes a hand down the waistband of Even’s pants to touch him, right when the door opens.

They spring apart so fast Isak nearly trips. Panic already hits him hard and he feels like he’s going to faint from the stress when he see’s Vilde’s face staring at him at the door.

He sighs s breath in relief. Thank fuck.

“fuck” Even says and Isak looks at him confused, when he sees that Even is practically freaking out.

And that’s when Isak remembers Vilde is his ‘girlfriend’.

Oh

Well whoops.

“it’s okay” he says instinctively because I mean it is. Even looks at him with a what the fuck expression, and okay why is he suddenly being all judgy when he had his tongue down his girlfriends throat an hour and a half ago?

He was gonna explain to him but you know what fuck him.

He rolls his eyes. “okay lets just act like only one of us was dry humping the other. Sounds like a great plan Bech Næsheim”

 “Isak” Vilde hisses.

“I wasn’t- fuck Isak what the fuck is this?”

Isak shrugs

“Isak” Vilde says

And he rolls his eyes again. “Okay fine I’m coming”

he stares awkwardly at the guy he just had his hand down the pants of and suddenly has no fucking clue what to do next.

Even had a point. What was this?

Because he has no idea what to do, he decides to just, walk out the door to an annoyed Vilde who looks like she is ready to give him a lecture.

“what?” Isak says innocently as she raises her eyebrows at him and crosses her arms over her chest. “I never said our plan would work”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! and follow me on my tumblr Skamfairy <3


	8. Vilde & Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter yay! i hope you enjoy guys! special thanks to my beta angels marta and sarina <3 i love you guys so much

**VILDE**

 

Vilde can’t stop thinking about girls. The softness of their skin, the curve of their body, the taste of their lips. She catches herself thinking about Eva’s smile, the touch of her fingers when she grasps Evas hand in hers, the sweet smell of her hair.

The feeling that comes with thinking about girls is euphoric. It’s exciting, thrilling, it feels so fucking right; despite the itching feeling in her mind that tells her it’s not. It makes her chest beat faster, her world turn brighter, her body want things she didn’t think she could want for a long time.

Vilde cannot stop thinking about girls.

And it was becoming a problem.

The last time Eva kissed Vilde was 32 hours, 27 minutes and i-can-still-feel-the-taste-of-her-on-my-lips seconds ago. And still it wasn’t enough, it was amazing but it was not okay. It was everything she ever could want but it was not okay so the conclusion?

Vilde was not okay.

She found herself staring at Isak who was sitting across from her. They were sitting at KB and studying their lines and homework and just ignoring the big disaster that was Friday night.

And it was a disaster. Why?

Because her entire life, Vilde didn’t know what the thing inside of her that made her different to everything the entire world told her she had to live up to - was. She didn’t know and she couldn’t know and wouldn’t.  
  
When she was 11 years old; pretending to like the boy all her friends found ‘the coolest boy in the school’ Vilde didn’t know why she dreamt about holding her friend Ana’s hand instead. Why she found herself noticing the way girls smelt like cinnamon and strawberries, how their smiles made her heart clench, how everytime she imagined kissing a boy it would turn into her thinking about touching a girl instead. The feeling of being completely and entirely wrong just because she couldn’t understand or make herself understand what everyone else meant, when they talked about boys.

Vilde had always been alone. She had always been aware that something wasn’t how she thought it was meant to be.

But it wasn’t until kissing Eva for the first time 6 months ago, that she realised exactly what that something was.

And then like a movie she had wiped from her memory, it all began to play.

The feelings, the confusion, the longing, the desire.

Her whole life, it made sense.

It makes sense.

But she was still scared of being alone, different, and unhappy.

Just because she can’t feel the way she was always meant to feel.

“what?” Isak asked, where he was sitting across from her when he finally caught her staring. And she looked back, at this beautiful boy, with golden hair, and a broken smile who pretends to hate the world when Vilde can see he only hates himself. She sees how much he cares about the people around him but how afraid he is of anyone knowing, because just like vilde; Isak Valtersen doesn’t want to be alone.

And they both knew being themselves drove people away.

But here they were, with each other, understanding and knowing how one another felt; and just like that she wasn’t alone anymore.

Like everything though, she could lose it all.

“Vilde, seriously? What’s wrong?” Isak stared at her like she was losing her damn mind and maybe she was.

Vilde blinked and shook her head, “Nothing, i just- was thinking of last night is all”

Last night being what Vilde walked in on. Isak tangled around Even, Even tangled around Isak. And Vilde standing by herself watching as her only anchor was grasping from her fingers.

Isak simultaneously rolled his eyes and grimaced at the same time and Vilde thought it was another one of his pointless and endearing talents.

“Look it wasn’t- it was- okay so I don’t know what it was but it doesn’t matter right?”

Doesn’t matter must have been Isak’s code for ‘holy shit i kissed the love of my life last night’ because he was practically glowing and trust Vilde on this; Isak Valtersen does NOT glow.

“Well...have you talked about it?”

Isak looked extremely shocked by the question. “Talked? What? Nei!”

Vilde looked up at him worriedly, pressing her nails into the palms of her hand. “So you’re….you don’t want to stop this right?”

She knew it was selfish. She knew it was awful to not want Isak to have what he really wants to have. But all she could feel was the deep all consuming emptiness inside her chest that ached every time she thought of having no one again. No one to trust, no one to talk to, no one to know who the real Vilde is.

Isak’s eyes widened “what? I mean yes, yeah of course” he took a sip of his frappe and shrugged “He probably doesn’t remember it anyway. Like it was nothing I mean totally nothing, yeah nah it’s cool”

He looked down at his script for a second before looking back up, “Why? Do you think he likes me?”

Vilde shook her head “I don’t know Isak, he has been with Sonja forever and I mean...you know what guys like that are like.”

“What do you mean?” he asked confused, frowning his forehead.

“You know...the kind of guy who likes girls in the daylight but will sleep with a boy in the dark and never talk to them again.”

“Oh” Isak frowned and sank down in his chair like the life last night brought to him was sucked dry.

As mean as it was,she knew she was doing him a favour. Because Even Bech Næsheim would just break his heart.

But she wouldn’t let him.

 

**EVEN**

 

Even liked movies, everyone knew he liked movies. It was no secret. Directing - telling people where to stand, how to speak, what to say and do...it made him feel powerful. Like he could prevent or fix any disaster he made, just by writing a script and making sure everyone stuck to it.

Even liked movies. Sonja knew this right from the start. He took her to a showing of Casablanca and told her straight out “I like movies.”

All his friends knew this from the way he quotes films in every conversation.

Isak knew it the moment he asked him to be in his play.

Even and movies wasn’t a secret. Everyone knew.

But no one knew about this.

Even traced his fingers across the line of Isak’s lips he had drawn on an old chinese take away menu. His lips tight and questioning, his eyes mischievous and nervous, the exact image he had captured right before Isak kissed him, or he kissed isak or- he really couldn’t remember. It was like they had been drawn together like magnets from the start and only the night of Eva’s party had they finally given into the pull.

This was something Even didn’t tell anyone.

His love for art, for taking a moment, a memory, a fantasy, an image he gets stuck in his head and can’t shake, can’t let go; and then finally making it something he can hold between his hands and have forever.

Making a moment last forever.

It’s something he can’t do with plays and film. It’s all fake no matter how hard he tries. He could reenact something; he couldn’t make someone pretend to kiss his Even character like Isak kissed him because it wouldn’t work. It would be fake, a fraud.

The feelings are empty, the moment isn’t frozen. Film is a script and a lie.

But when he draws he captures the essence of a person's truth. A moment he can’t stop thinking about. He can make something real last forever.

And so he does.

He has Isak’s eyes, lips, cheeks, nose, curls last forever and ever.

He knows now, looking down at his sketch, that this was real. He really saw it, it really happened. His mind isn’t making things up.

This was real.

So why the fuck is Isak not answering his texts?

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and tortures himself some more, looking at the sea of blue filling the screen and no grey in sight.

 

**Even**

 

> What happened last night
> 
>  
> 
> We need to talk
> 
>  
> 
> Isak please
> 
>  
> 
> Are you ignoring me
> 
>  
> 
> You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen
> 
>  
> 
> Im sorry that was rude, take your time x
> 
>  
> 
> Is it vilde? Even if it is, can we just talk about it?

 

Okay so he may or may not have come across as a little bit desperate, but when the result could be Isak actually fucking talking to him, Even didn’t care.

His phone vibrated in his hands and he felt the sickening feeling of his heart jumping in his throat, hopes of it being Isak filling every corner of his mind.

It wasn’t Isak.

 

**Sonja**

 

> Hey how are you?
> 
> I was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight
> 
> Just you and me like old times.
> 
> I’m glad we could sort this out.
> 
> I love you baby

 

Even felt his stomach twist at her words and guilt soon fled through him. He forgot what a complete jackass he was. Kissing Sonja after their break up, with not a single intention of getting back together. I mean no. He cares for Sonja, she is always there for him; but does he think about her, look at her, kiss her, touch her, draw her like he does Isak?

 

Not even a little bit.

He stares at his phone for a moment before finally typing back a reply

 

 **Even**  


 

> Ah sorry i can’t im sorry

 

He glares at the words for a second before typing again

 

**Even**

 

> Remember when i said i needed space? It still applies im sorry sonja

 

He sent it before he could even think about it for one second and then he winces at the words.

He was too harsh wasn’t he? He was way too harsh. That wasn’t cool. I mean he can wrap it up in a million sorry’s all he wants but the asshole is still there.

You can smell it under all the apologies, see it writhing under his lies, hear it in the way his breath hitches when he sees Isak.

Ugh

When will he just stop.

He runs his hands through his hair before downing the last of his coffee and getting up from the chair.

He takes the chinese menu in his hands again, and let his fingers linger on the curve of Isak’s cheeks; before stuffing it in the pot plant sitting on the window sill of kaffebrenneriet.

He leaves it there leaning against a sunflower, lying in damp soil as he walks out.

Even wonders, if his memory will be thrown out before someone sees it for themselves and the moment that he can’t seem to shake from his head, is finally shared with another soul.

He wonders if Isak’s lips and the eyes that captivate him will be held in another's hands.

After all those eyes don’t belong to him anyway.

They never did.

 

____________________________________________________________

  
  
Words, words, words.

Words Even wrote with his own hands, his heart, his mind, they mean nothing now. Empty lost. His mind can’t seem to stick to the letters on the page, the script he spent so much time crafting. He’s too busy thinking about the time, the sound of students in the halls, the voice in his head that keeps asking was it a mistake? Did he not feel what I felt? What even was this feeling.

He never felt it before and it was making his heart race with fear and dread.

How was he meant to focus.

“Boo!”

Even jumped as Eva sat next to him, where he was sitting on the floor of his locker, staring at layers and layers of the play’s script.

“What’s the matter boss?” she asked smiling at him the way Eva does the second she senses someone feeling like a mess of emotion.

So yes he gets to see this smile a lot.

“Nothing, i’m just-” Even raises a sheet of the scene he was glaring at, “rewriting stuff”

Eva’s brows furrowed as she grabbed for the paper.

“Even this has so much red marker on it, it looks like a murder scene”

Even smirked “Well i mean it is Romeo and Juliet”

Eva rolled her eyes “You said you wanted the ending to be hopeful, what the fuck is this” she stabbed the paper with her index finger, while turning her questioning eyes at Even, who shrugged meekly.

“I’m just thinking maybe it should be more realistic like shakespeare intended”

Eva slammed the paper face down on the ground “oh please that dramatic bastard wasn’t being realistic he was being dramatic. If he was being realistic Romeo would just be a hot fling Juliet has before getting married and having kids like the world told her she was meant to. Actually if anything Romeo would be a girl, Juliet would fool around with before obeying the wishes of this heteronormative society and being a dutiful wife. Not to mention just breaking Romeo's heart and never actually talking to her about what changed and why and just letting all their feelings be nothing but unspoken whispers in time!”

Even stared at Eva silently as she breathed heavily, staring at the paper on the ground.

“Eva….is there something you need to talk about?”

Eva looked up at him “What me? Nei, i’m good. Great even. What about you? You’re the one wanting to change the ending that inspired this whole play in the first place.”

Even exhaled deeply. “I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Does this have anything to do with Sonja?”

Even shook his head “No”

“Does this have anything to do with the person you made out with in my room on friday?”

Even looked at her in shock “What?”

She grinned coyly “I saw you walk out of my room with makeout hair. I was drunk but not that drunk”

Even knitted his eyebrows in worry “Did you-did you see who-”

Eva put up a hand up to stop him. “No i didn’t and honestly it’s none of my business.”

Even wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

“But listen, whatever is going on, maybe you should try to talk to….whoever this” she waves at the sheets of paper scattered around him “is about, okay?”

Even smiled “sure, but you know, maybe you should take your own advice?”

Eva pretended to think about it for a second before shaking her head with a smile painted on her lips “nah I’m good with being a hypocrite for now”

Even laughed “okaaaay”

He quickly shoved all the papers in his bag while keeping his eyes trained on the clock on the wall.

If he needed to talk to Isak there was no way he was going to send him another text he can ignore.

Nope this has to be dealt with right now.

He stormed down the hall and took a couple corners until he was standing in front of Isak’s locker. Okay yes he knows the way off by heart now, no big deal.

He looked at his watch, 2 minutes and 45 seconds until lunch is officially over. He has literally two minutes and forty-five seconds to talk to Isak about literally everything before class starts.

It seems like it’s impossible for this to go even a little right.

Just when he was considering to say fuck that to Eva’s advice and send Isak another pleading and desperate text instead; a familiar red snapback caught his eyes in a sea of students.

_Isak._

The boy’s green eyes looked up at him and before he could even process that Even was standing right in front of him, Even had already pushed him into the empty classroom next to the lockers.

“What the fuck Even?” Isak asks as Even closed the door behind them.

He couldn’t help the smile from instantly hitting his face from those words.

“I love it when you say my name.”

Isak rolled his eyes and sent a flutter to Even’s heart.

“It’s your _name_ what the fuck”

Even leaned against the door “Why have you been ignoring me?”

Another eye roll “do we have to do this?”

Even shrugged “no, i just- fucking hell Isak, I just want to know if it meant anything.”

The room grew silent at hiss words.

“Why?” Isak mumbled, his eyes trained to the ground, from his space next to the whiteboard.

“I broke up with Sonja” he offered. Because fuck he should have told him that sooner. He was such an asshole.

He could sense something shift in the air at those words but isak still didn’t move. “So? Why are you telling me this”

Even took a breath. Okay this was it, he could continue pretending his heart and mind and body wasn’t completely preoccupied every single moment with thinking about Isak, or he could just….stop.

“Because Isak-”

He stepped away from the door, closer to the boy who still refused to look up from his shoes.

“Because it did” Isak’s eyes looked up at his words, freezing Even in his place, “mean something... I mean….to me”

Isaks eyes trapped him, held him captive and he felt like he could fall in any given moment. Hell, it felt like he was falling right now in this second. Like all it would take was Isak’s touch and he’d lose every sense of gravity.

Here, he was speaking the words he knew could change everything, unveiling the most vulnerable part of him to someone who has the power to hold all of his deepest feelings between his hands in front of him and leave him unprotected, exposed, alone.

It was terrifying.

But saying nothing?

That wasn’t an option anymore. Not when the person who made him feel like this was Isak Valtersen.

His sworn enemy

His Romeo

His- Boyfriend to Vilde

Oh wait. Fuck.

He took a step back quickly “but that- fuck none of that matters. You didn’t answer because your not interested right? It was mistake, oh my god what the fuck am I doing”

What WAS he doing.

He stepped away throwing his hands through his hair, trying to somehow get a grip on how fucking dumb he was.

He felt himself crashing and burning, feeling the thoughts spread. Why did he keep just fucking assuming? What was wrong with him?

Suddenly fingers were grazing the edge of his cheek, hands taking his face between them.

Two green eyes looking at him, like the world was moving and spinning and turning and all that would stop them from diving into the depths of nothingness was each other. Like Even was the answer to the question Isak had been asking for years. Like the kiss they had on Friday meant something to him after all.

Isak shook his head softly, the hardness behind his eyes broken, warming him with this softness he doesn’t see often. But it’s the softness that keeps him up at night trying to think of what he can do to see it more often.

It’s the softness that makes his world clearer.

“I’m not really with Vilde” he whispers right before he stops Even from asking the million questions on the tip of his tongue, by using his own.

Isak’s lips touch his and it was calm, gentle, soft. Nothing felt more right than the touch of Isak’s lips against his own. He could kiss them forever, lose himself in the taste, the touch, the feeling.

Isak’s hands in his hair, the sound of his heart racing, his breath hot against his face everytime he comes up for air. It is everything that makes Even feel alive, free, real. This is what he dreams of. It’s hot and beautiful and all consuming.

How could he ever stop thinking about Isak Valtersen when he has this power over him.

It’s simple- he can’t.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Even breathes when they finally broke apart, their hearts racing together.

Isak rolled his eyes, but his smile warmed the action, his hands still wrapped around Evens neck.

“We’re just- we both needed to keep people off our backs and, I don’t know I like her...we just-  it seemed the best idea at the time okay?”

Even didn’t know if what he was hearing was a dream come true or some kind of trashy teen movie he would probably absolutely love, to be honest.

“So you just, wait YOU’VE BEEN PRETENDING THIS WHOLE TIME?”

“Oh my god you actually think Vilde and I are into each other?”

Even shrugged “Why wouldn’t I?”

Isak raised his eyebrows “Even, have I literally ever looked like I enjoyed kissing girls?”

“I mean I just thought you were grumpy”  Even couldn’t stop smiling, how was this real.

“Okay but how could you actually think Vilde was into me?”

This made Even think. I mean why wouldn’t she be into Isak. He never thought of the possibility of anyone not thinking Isak was cute and hot and amusing and god when he does that thing with his lips when he’s focusing-

“Okay yeah, my judgement may have been biased…”

Isak laughed and pulled Even closer to him “I’m gonna be so late for class”

“This is better than biology though, come on”

Isak pulled away “fuck off biology is awesome”

Even laughed “okay baby sure thing”

Isak blushed “Shut up oh my god you’re so gross”

Even ran his hand through his hair, (the snapback lying on the floor where it was knocked off during their makeout session)  “what you don’t like that, monkey?”

“Stop”

“Oh are you tired, my sleepy snake?”

“Oh my god if you don’t shut up now i’m never going to blow you”

Even raised his eyebrows “I didn’t know you were going to”

Isak shrugged “Maybe if you stop being a dork”

Even traced his cheek softly “So...does this mean we could…”

“Could what?”

“Be together?”

Isak stilled “Why?”

Even looked at him confused “Why not?”

“I don’t know it’s just, why do we have to just jump into this. We like kissing each other and stuff what’s the point in….telling everyone about it?”

Even frowned “We don’t have to...if you don’t want to”

Isak shifted, looking up at the ceiling, “I, just, it is no one else’s business you know? And I- i don’t want- I can’t-”

“Isak” Even moved closer, his hands roaming every single inch of his face, his eyes looking into the ones of this boy that makes him feel things he has felt for no one else before. His eyes so vulnerable and scared and soft, it does something inside his chest, Isak letting him see him like this.

It changes everything.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell anyone, we can, it can be a secret okay? Nobody but us. It’s just you and me okay?”

“Promise?” Isak whispers and his voice nearly breaks Even’s heart.

He presses a gentle kiss against his lips “Of course. It’s you and me, us. For as long as you want it to be”

Isak smiles and lets him pull him against his chest. His body warm against his. Their hearts beating together as one.

Even doesn’t tell him that he doesn’t remember a time when it wasn’t them and he can’t think of a time it won’t be.

He doesn’t tell him, but he wonders if he can feel it in the way he kisses him, the way he smiles at him and the way he secretly hopes Isak could learn to love him back.

Because that is the only word he can think of for the feeling inside his heart, mind, and body he has never felt before.

It’s the only word he can think of for the way his mind seems to always lead him back to Isak’s eyes, why his heart always expands when Isak walks into the room,

Why the world is brighter when Isak is kissing him.

Even is pretty sure he is in love with the boy who has only ever hated him.  
  
Even is also pretty sure the boy who has only ever hated him will never be able to love him back.  
  
Even is very sure he is going to get hurt.  
  
But at this point he doesn’t care.  
  
As he watches Isak put his red snapback back on and wink at him with a laugh on his lips, all he can think is; hurt me, break me, take everything you want from me. Strip me bare. Carry my heart, throw it away.  
  
As long as I can love you for a little bit; you can hate me all you want.

You can call me your enemy, you can pretend I don’t exist, you can hate me.  
  
But please  
  
Just for a little bit.  
  
Just for a second  
  
Let me be yours  
  
and you, be mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn i left on such a dramatic note i knoooow, pleaaaaaseeee please please let me know what you think guys and what you are looking forward to. your comments help me so much <3 
> 
> i'm about to enter a rough part of my uni semester so i'm not sure how quick i can be with the next chap but i will try, i often procrastinate doing uni work by writing so lmao you might see an update sooner than you think <3
> 
> but ahhhhh please keep me motivated with your thoughts on this so far <3 love you so much


	9. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey angels I know I said you wouldn't get anything until uni is O-V-E-R (two more weeks rip) but it is the anniversary of our boys first kiss so I had to give you this today. Enjoy reading what evak are doing today in another universe <3   
> (and it's 5k so i hope it will make up for the wait <3)
> 
> also im super nervous posting this so let me know what you think

If you asked Isak Valtersen if he was scared of anything, he would reply with a high pitched “ME? SCARED? Pfft I’m not scared of anything!”

And you would nod and smile, knowing deep down he was nothing but a big fat liar.

Because the truth?

Isak wasn’t just scared of something, he was scared of lots of things.

He was scared of spiders when they decided to breathe the same air as him.

He was scared of the voice inside his head that tells him he is the reason for his mother's depression.

He was scared of those purple lumpy hairy bits on potatoes.

And he was scared of the feeling inside his stomach that came with seeing Even Bech Næsheim in his bedroom.

It was a tingly sensation that flooded his stomach and creeped up his back and neck like tiny butterfly kisses. It was this sweaty palms, tight chest feeling that came with realising the boy he had spent so many years convincing himself he hated….was in his room.

Touching his stuff.

Breathing the air Isak breathes.

Inside the place he sleeps, thinks, jerks off in because for fucks sake this was his ROOM.

And Even was in it.

He was IN IT.

“Wow you actually have one of these- wait did I do something?” Even’s voice pulled him out of his head and he realised with a jerk of embarrassment that he had been staring.

“What? Yeah nah I’m fine.”

Even put the Rubiks Cube he was holding back on Isak’s shelf. “You sure? Cos you are looking at me like I just turned into a giant spider or something.”

Isak shivered “Ugh please don’t say spider,”

Even laughed.

“but like – it’s just…you are in my room” Isak breathed unable to literally think or say anything else.

“yeah I mean- you invited me in like 3 minutes ago?”

Isak shook his head “no no it’s okay it’s just wow you’re in my room.”

Even’s beautiful face lit up in the brightest grin Isak had ever seen and he felt his insides melt inside him at the visual contact of an actual god smiling at _him_ like that. Oh my god this is real. And ohmygod he just referred to Even as a god. What the fuck.

“Have you had many boys in your room Isak?” Even asked cockily, like he knew what his voice did to Isak’s body.

Like he knew how much Isak loved hearing the way his name sounded on Even’s tongue. How he said it not like a label but like…like he knew who Isak was and everything tied to him more than Isak could ever know. He said it like he was more comfortable voicing Isak’s name than his own.

And Jesus Christ it made Isak’s heart stop. It made him warm and squishy and alive.

And it terrified him.

He also realised he forgot that Even had asked him a fucking question.

“Uh what? No I mean…Eskild and Jonas and the boys but like – not like that like – not this –not like why you are here – it’s” Oh my god he was losing it. He cleared his throat, pretending that he was just choking on his words and not…

choking on his god damn words.

Wow he needs to seriously think things through more.

“I mean…” Isak finally stated steadily, finding his voice under all the pressure building up in his stomach. “I haven’t been gay until you.”

Even threw his head back laughing, his eyes shining so fucking bright, Isak couldn’t understand how they could be so shiny even when looking at him but they were and Jesus Christ he was having another internal monologue about how beautiful Even is.

He almost wanted to punch himself for all the years he spent trying to convince himself he hated this guy.

What the actual fuck.

“Anyway” Isak interjected his mind out loud, while throwing himself on his bed “let me give you the tour, this is my bed…..and this is me. Done”

Even’s fucking eyebrows raised up again “Wow you’re just the best tour guide aren’t you. Like wow I feel like I learnt so much in that ten second tour of yours…also am I wrong or are you trying to get me in bed with you?”

Isak rolled his eyes “Say whatever you want but I’m still a better fucking tour guide than an actor. Seriously, why did you do that to yourself?”

Even’s mouth opened like he was about to answer but instead his eyes caught light of something tucked in the corner of Isak’s bookshelf that he couldn’t see; but whatever it was made Even’s mouth curl up in an amused smile.

“ISAK VALTERSEN”

Isak didn’t have to know what it was to know it was time to groan into his pillow; so he did. Because Even was using his asshole voice and Isak knew by now after years and years of banter that Even’s asshole voice meant he was about to be roasted for something.

Take note: this is why you NEVER invite your enemies into your bedroom, no matter how hot they are and how much you want to bone them.

Wow great advice, too bad Isak was too horny and dumb to think of it before now.

Why am I like this, Isak thought as Even raised the dvd of Lilo and Stitch up to his face with a great big gasp.

JESUS FUCK

Isak threw his pillow onto his face and screamed.

“Isaaaaaak” Even sung as he practically flew to the bed, so he could tackle Isak’s hands from the pillow attached to his face.

“baby stoooop” Even laughed and you seriously cannot blame Isak for being so shook by the word baby that he forgot to clutch onto the pillow and Even was able to seamlessly throw it away from his face.

Dammit.

Even’s bright amused smile instantly came into view and Isak fought his own smile that tried to form on his face.

“Isak Valtersen, are you the kind of person who owns the limited edition of Lilo and Stitch on dvd?”

Isak rolled his eyes so far back he was worried he could go blind from the motion.

“Nei! It’s not- I don’t even know where it came from”

Even nodded and continued to grin like an idiot. “Okay we’re playing this game?”

“It’s not a game Even!”

“Fuck I love it when you shout my name.”

“EVEN”

Even, the great big jerk he is, put his hand to his heart and smiled to the sky dramatically like he was thanking some kind of god.

“I love it when you give me what I want.”

Isak face palmed, but couldn’t help the deep pink blush that painted across his cheeks at this stupid tall handsome piece of fucking beautiful shit who has such an emotional power on Isak it-

Did he mention it SCARED THE CRAP out of him?

Because yeah that’s what it did.

“Fuck sake it must have just gotten mixed in with my stuff when I moved here or something”

“Oh yeah, of course that must have been it.”

Although Even didn’t seem convinced, Isak took the lifeline.

“Yes that was it”

They stared at each other in silence, waiting to see who would be the first one to break.

Surprisingly it was Even who broke the silence with a great big sigh as he pushed himself off the bed much to Isak’s dismay.

“WELL I don’t care if you are a fan or not because I fucking love this movie”

“Wait what?”

Isak pushed himself up on his elbows to stare at this ridiculously beautiful and infuriating boy who was already popping the dvd out of it’s case.

“Even what are y-“

“Isak Valtersen, we are watching the most heart-breaking and mesmerising animation about family and love that has ever been told; and we aren’t going to stop watching, until you admit you adore the love between this little Hawaiian girl and her alien.”

Isak’s mouth was practically gaping as he watched Even grab Isak’s laptop from where it sat on his desk and popped the dvd in.

“you – are – so – weird.” Isak said slowly shaking his head and counting the freckles on Even’s arm as he sat down on the bed and wrapped it around Isak’s shoulders.

And fucking hell of course that made Even’s entire face turn into a god damn vessel of sunshine as he opened his mouth and the biggest toothiest grin Isak has ever seen a human being use, formed across his face.

“YOU’RE ALREADY QUOTING THE MOVE ISAK OHMYGOD”

Isak froze

“Wait what- I didn’t”

“Shhh it’s starting”

Even cut him off causing Isak to cross his arms and throw his head back.

So yeah, turns out inviting people you’re supposed to hate but actually get fucking goosebumps over your entire body every time they stand next to you; over for a blow job…. didn’t always work out.

Yep nope, under protest for his penis Isak refused to enjoy this film and give Even any satisfaction over this.

On a side note, it felt super weird for Isak to refer to his dick as a penis in his mind so he’s gonna stop doing that.

I don’t know something about the formalisation of it? like he’s not suddenly gonna call his butt an anus you hear me?

He was brought out of his thoughts by Even jabbing him in the stomach. “God dammit Isak if you just watch it we can make out as long as you like.”

Isak raised his eyebrows, sat up and started paying attention.

Isak had made it to the scene where Nani was trying to break into the door Lilo had nailed shut when his attention was shifted to Even giggling by his side.

“What?” Isak asked confused, causing Even to smile brighter and pinch Isak’s cheek fondly.

“You are literally smiling so hard right now, oh my god you’re so cute!”

Isak tossed his head back and attempted to stop smiling but fuck he couldn’t ughhhhh.

“I AM NOT” he lied which was just sad because they both knew he was because like

HELLO he fucking was grinning right now, not even his annoyed embarrassment could stop him.

“You love this movie so much” Even said, but his voice was no longer teasing. It was warm and almost in awe which is weird because why would Isak liking a kids movie be something to be awed at for Even.

But it was, because now Even was entwining his hand into Isak’s and causing butterflies to form in Isak’s stomach.

“You are full of so many surprises Isak”

“LOOK it’s just a really good movie okay”

Even laughed “I know, I have the soundtrack downloaded on my phone”

“What?”

“You don’t believe me? Check”

Isak rolled his eyes “Oh no I believe you. The more I get to know you the more apparent it becomes that you have impeccable taste.”

Even raised his eyebrows “Oh really?”

“I mean you’re super into me aren’t you?”

A small smile warmed Even’s face in a different way than the others. This smile held something strange Isak couldn’t pick up on and it made him nervous.

“I guess I am.” Even said softly before turning his attention back to the movie.

“Okaaaaay”

They watched in silence apart from small giggles and facts from Even on how the production would have worked which made Isak blatantly aware of how much of a nerd Even was.

“Um excuse me YOU are the nerd” Even replied when he told him.

“Me? Nei”

“Isak you literally read books about science for fun”

“Um astronomy is fun”

“You are so hot, you know that?”

“SHUSH this is the best part” Isak said to distract Even from the blush rising on his cheeks.

But Isak could hardly focus on anything other than the feel of Even next to him.

His body pressed against his, his fingers wrapped around his own.

It made his head dizzy and his heart quicken.

It is safe to say Isak had never felt this way, never felt the inevitable crushing weight of something so fucking surreal and scary and new.

He thought he liked Jonas once, he thought he loved him.

But did Jonas ever make him feel like he was flying just from holding his hand and whispering in his ear?

No, the answer was no dumbass.

“Hey” suddenly Even’s voice, as soft and gentle and comforting as it was, lured Isak out of his thoughts. He looked up into the two most beautiful bright blue eyes he had ever seen and he let the feeling wash over him completely.

The feeling of caring so much about another human it made Isak feel like he could jump off a cliff and only think about Even.

Again, this was fucking terrifying.

“Do you remember when I told you I would tell you a secret?”

Isak sat up suddenly intrigued. “When I finish the play? Yeah. One that could ruin you. Jesus Christ you’re dramatic.”

Even laughed but Isak could sense something behind his eyes that didn’t quite match the sound and he would be lying if he said a spark of worry didn’t fly through him.

Even cleared his throat, his hands playing with Isak’s tracing the lines in his palms, causing goosebumps up Isak’s arms.

“Well I wanted to tell you something”

Isak must have appeared a little too eager because Even quickly shook his head with an amused smile.

“Not that secret Romeo, the play isn’t over yet remember?”

“Yeah yeah whatever you tease”

Isak leaned back against the pillows and tried not to think too hard about the queasiness in his stomach, the curiosity, the worry, the…..whatever he felt for Even.

“This is…a different one.” Even said, quickly pausing the movie before getting up and leaving the room.

What the fuck.

“Even?” Isak yelled out confused.

Did he just…fucking leave?

Before Isak was going to start being a brat and yelling insults for Even to get the fuck back in here, Even was walking back in with his bag which he left in the living room.

Ah.

Even smiled nervously, “So um I want to make movies”

Isak stared back at him.

Even sat down and continued to wait for Isak to react.

Isak blinked.

“Well OBVIOUSLY”

This time Even rolled his eyes and it sent a weird thrill through Isak’s body. Damn he was hot.

GOD DAMMIT ISAK, focus.

Even bit his lip which wasn’t helping Isak stop thinking about the things he wants to do with his lips.

“Okay yes but like not that kind of-“ Even took a breath pulling something out of his bag and Isak was suddenly aware of the gravity of the situation. Even was _nervous_ , and the realisation made Isak sit up and focus solely on the boy in front of him. The tense of his shoulders, the quiver in his voice, the way he looked at Isak like he held all the power.

You would think this would make Isak feel confident, in control.

But no

It just made him want to hold Even Bech Næsheim in his arms and tell him everything was okay. He was here.

What a weird feeling.

Even handed him the green notebook he was clutching like a lifeline and Isak hesitated, watching the fear and intensity in Even’s eyes as he looked at Isak’s fingers grasp the hard cover.

“Even you don’t have to-“

“Valtersen, relax. I want to.” Even smiled and it made Isak hold onto the notebook harder to keep from falling into the feeling Even’s smile gave him.

Slowly, Isak turned over the cover, feeling Even’s eyes burning as he turned the page and gasped.

Isak Valtersen fucking gasped.

Because inside were images, sketches, faces, lines, bodies, shapes, colour. A tsunami of bright, bold, feelings and actions and people all created from the lines of a pencil. Life flooded the pages and touched Isak’s heart like they were whispering to him the secrets of Even’s mind. The beauty hidden behind that over styled head of hair Isak couldn’t stop thinking about.

“You did this?” He breathed, gazing at the image of a girl with hair made out of sapphire coloured butterflies.

Even nodded meekly, his eyes studying Isak uneasily like he was unsure of what he would do next.

Isak let his fingers travel across the faces of characters Even had given life to with his own hands, his own mind, this entire world just bursting inside him slipping out onto the pages for no one to see. Held imprisoned between the pages of this green notebook, home of the beauty Even couldn’t maintain inside his head.

It sounded like an epiphany when Isak rose his head from the magic drawn across the paper; and said “You are so fucking beautiful.”

The brightness in the room turned up a couple notches when Even exhaled in relief and smiled genuinely, lovingly, gratefully at the boy sitting across from him, holding images from his mind, inside his hands.

“Really you think so?”

Isak was baffled. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Even this is- these are amazing. I kind of feel like a dick for all the times I broke your crayons as a kid.”

Even shook his head smiling amusedly, “Well you know what they say, if he breaks your crayons he has a crush on you.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not the saying”

Even waved him off “Same thing”

Isak turned the pages in awe, shaking his head. “Even, I can’t believe you’re secretly this fucking incredible artist.”

Even turned his head embarrassed “I mean not really”

“Even, what the fuck”

Suddenly Isak caught Even’s eyes looking into his own and there was this feeling standing between them like a 7 foot giant trying to shake some fucking sense back into both of them.

It was like…you know those moments that happen and you realise in the midst of it all, how important, how fucking significant this moment will be for the rest of your life?

They are rare of course. But Isak recognised the feeling.

He felt it when his dad left.

When he first dreamt of a dick.

When he saw Even when he was 6 years old.

And he was feeling it now. The silence in the air. The way Even looked at him like he was enveloped in stars.

This was something else.

Even took a breath and pushed closer into Isak, their knees bumping into each other, Isak’s breath growing still.

“I’ve never told anyone this before – fuck, I’ve never even shown anyone these before” He waved his hand over the colourful world Isak was still clutching onto but no longer looking at. Because all he could see was the beautiful blue eyed boy sitting across from him.

Even smiled, gentle and kind but full of fear as he took a breath and whispered his secret out loud to the first person to ever hear the words.

“I want to be an animator – that’s, that is what I’ve always wanted to do.” He laughed at himself; the exhilaration of saying something real making everything feel warm and bright and delirious. “Fuck, it’s kind of my dream”

Isak was staring. He was aware he was staring but he couldn’t stop taking in everything that was in front of him. This boy forever known as someone Isak couldn’t stop thinking about.

Why?

Because he was so sure he annoyed the crap out of him.

But here he was pouring his world, his dreams into Isak’s hands, letting them slip through his fingers and fill his world with the magical euphoric essence of Even.

Even, Even, Even.

Beautiful, talented, kind, charismatic Even who trusted Isak with the scariest thing in the world.

His future.

It was like the sky fell upon him when he realised the amount of emotion this one person evoked inside him.

No one had ever made him feel like this.

In fact, anyone he has wanted to clutch against him and watch the stars move above them in motion with their heartbeats, has always left him.

They always leave him.

So what does he do when he feels this for someone who has no reason to ever stay?

Well that’s easy, Isak will just ignore and repress it until it becomes an issue later.

“Even, that is fucking amazing” Isak speaks out loud after an eternity of messing around with his thoughts.

Even grinned “You think so? Because I don’t know- I just”

Isak frowned “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell anyone. You’re amazing”

Even watched him, gazed, stared, admired every inch of Isak, and his stare was fucking penetrating and – jesus that was such a bad use of words because now Isak is thinking of his dick again.

He tried to ignore his arousal by looking back at Even’s treasure (and no he’s not talking about his penis STOP IT) he means his notebook which he turns the page of, only for it to be ripped out of his hands before he can even see what was beneath the pages.

“Even what the fuck?” Isak shouted because HEY he was looking at how talented his b- friend? His? Wait are they boyfriends wait they are not for real but they are for real people just can’t know so-

Okay nope he can obsess over THAT later.

“Give it back” Isak demanded because he was still an asshole.

Even looked alarmed which led suspicion to cloud his judgement.

“Um no no you don’t wanna look at the rest.”

Isak narrowed his eyes, he smelt something rotten and it was only partly the pizza crusts he had sitting on his bedroom floor for about a week.

“Why not?”

“uh DICKS! Yep they are all dicks” Even smiled like his hand had been caught in the cookie jar.

Isak raised his eyebrows and gave him a look that he hoped read “Dude dicks are my thing give me dicks” but you know in a cool way.

Even blinked for a second before shaking his head “Did I say dicks? Oh whoops I meant boobs yep nope just female breasts. Lots of them. Lets just pretend that’s not here.” He rambled before shoving the book in his bag and pushing it on the floor.

Isak stared at him “What the f-“

But suddenly he was being pushed back against the bed, Even’s body hovering over him with a smug smile and a shrug.

“Aren’t you bored of talking now?”

Isak laughed “You are SO WEIRD”

Even leant down to bite his ear lobe, which hey wasn’t too bad.

“Hmm that’s weird because I thought the words you used before were ‘amazing’” Even whispered in his ear before kissing down his neck.

Isak felt his heart speed up as Even’s hands found their way under his shirt. The feeling of Even’s fingers pressing against his stomach made his world go dizzy. Oh my god. Even Bech Næsheim was in his fucking room. Touching him, kissing him, making the world disappear.

His shirt ended up at his armpits before he realised he needed to sit the fuck up and actually help Even get him naked.

Oh my fucking-

This was happening.

Even’s eyes were burning with a sea of lust as he tugged the fabric over Isak’s head. Suddenly Even was out of his vision as the world went black and he groaned into the room like a child.

“Even, a little help? I’m stuck”

the most beautiful sound filled his ears as Even laughed lightly, tugging harder until Isak was free, falling forward on top of Even.

Even’s face was basically crinkled in half as he tossed his head back laughing at the boy on top of him.

“Team effort” He winked.

Isak narrowed his eyes, annoyed at first by Even’s fucking NERVE at laughing at him while he’s sitting half naked on his dick.

Wait a second, _he was sitting half naked on his dick._

A cocky smile grew on Isak’s lips as he looked down at a still amused Even.

A poor sweet amused Even who had no fucking idea what was coming for him.

Isak shifted just slightly, acting like he was getting comfortable, and he felt Even still beneath him, his breath hitch as Isak wiggled slightly and felt the hardness of Even beneath him.  

Isak let his mouth drop in a half smile, his tongue poking out to lick his lips slowly in a way he knew would drive Even nuts.

And sure enough Even moaned in pleasure and longing, tossing his head back and placing his hands on Isak’s hips.

“Isaaaak”

Isak cocked his head in feign obliviousness “Hmm what? Everything’s suddenly not so funny huh?”

He shifted forward slightly rubbing his ass on Even’s dick through his jeans.

Even moaned.

“Is this not funny Even?”

Isak leant forward, capturing Even’s lips as the boy lifted himself up with his elbows to meet Isak’s mouth.

Isak pulled away slightly, just enough so Even’s lips couldn’t make contact, his mouth open, his breath touching Isak’s lips. Their faces so close, all it took was the tilt of Isak’s head and their lips would be moving as one.

But Isak smiled, letting his breath hit Even’s face, causing him to breath it in, gulping for air at the intensity of their bodies pressing against each other, faces poised so close yet not close enough.

Isak rubbed his nose against Even who tilted his face as far as he could, without collapsing back onto the bed.

“Why did you stop laughing baby?” Isak breathed into Even’s mouth, before reaching forward and biting his lip playfully.

Even groaned “Isak- fuck”

Isak wrapped a hand behind Even’s neck, shifting himself further up his lap, feeling Even twitch beneath him as he rested his forehead against Evens.

“Is something funny or do you want to fuck?” Isak whispered, moving his hand to trace the soft pillows of Even’s lips.

A sound rumbled from deep within Even’s throat before, his hands were grabbing Isak’s hips and flipping them, so Isak was pressed against the bed with the best sight in the fucking world towering over him.

“You are such a fucking asshole you know that right?” Even asked as he pulled his shirt over his head quickly.

Isak shrugged against the bed, a pleased smile resting on his face, “It may have come up once or twice.”

Even shook his head, as he looked at the sight of Isak lying there on his bed waiting for him to fucking do something already.

“I can’t believe you are real” he breathed.

Isak was getting restless, he had been sporting a boner for a while now and all he fucking wanted was Even.

His hands, his mouth, his fucking body. On him now.

“Fucking prove it’s real then” Isak said before grabbing hold of Even’s belt and pulling him down, his bare chest pressed against his own. His hands wrapped in the softness of his hair, his mouth moving hungrily against Even’s.

Holy fuck this was so much.

It was so much and not enough and everything all at once.

Every touch, kiss, jerk of the hips, sent electric bolts through Isak’s body and he wasn’t sure if he could ever stay still again. Not when Even was here making the world move and spin and ignite in flames around him.

Isak moaned as Even’s lips left his, to travel down his body, leaving goosebumps in their place as he kissed every inch of Isak’s chest excruciatingly slow.

“Even please” Isak moaned when Even’s lips finally reached his waistband, his breath hovering over Isak’s erection through his jeans.

He watched as Even smiled up at Isak from his position near his fucking dick and he knew Even was enjoying the new shift of power way too much.

Tantalisingly slow, Even unzipped Isak, pulling his pants down slowly, kissing his legs teasingly as he did.

As soon as they were around Isak’s knees however, he kicked them off eagerly, sick of this fucking waiting game.

Even grinned.

“What do you want Romeo?”

Isak groaned “Even please,I’m so fucking horny will you just-“ he gestured to the tent in his boxers with his hands in such a painfully desperate way but Isak was too fucking gone to give a damn right now.

With a wicked grin Even obliged, hooking his finger under the waistband of his boxers, tugging them down, down, down, until he was fucking free.

The world went quiet, Isak breathed deeply, feeling his breath hit the silence hard, wrapping around them both like a curtain of hesitation, anticipation, excitement.

And oh fuck was Isak excited.

Even leant forward to kiss his thigh and fuck fuck fuck.

“Fuck” Isak moaned, because Even’s hand was wrapping itself around Isak’s length and he didn’t know how long he’d last, because it was Even’s hand. The same hand that created a world full of colour and magic and fucking beautiful cartoons that just-

oh god

“OH GOD”

Even’s tongue was gently pressing against him, slowly licking like he was exploring, tasting every inch of Isak cautiously, carefully gently.

“Eveeeeen” Isak moaned, thrusting his hips up eagerly.

“What is it baby?” Even asked, letting his breath make Isak’s fucking erection twitch at the little contact. Desperate for more.

“Just touch me please oh my god” he thrusted into the air again, wanting more, _needing_ more more more; and just when he didn’t think he would get it, he felt a warm heat wrap around him.

He gasped as he looked down to see Even’s big ocean blue eyes staring back at him, his mouth wrapped around his god damn penis. (Fuck stop calling it penis you weirdo) he watched as Even actually fucking winked at him right before taking him further and moving his head, oh dear god he was moving his head and Isak couldn’t handle it for very long.

Because it was Even; Even and his mouth, his lips, his hands, his touch. He was on him, surrounded by him, falling into a sky of Even. Completely melted inside his hands, falling between his fingers, captured in his eyes, imprinted on his heart.

He was inside, wrapped around, fallen between, and embraced by this one person, this one heart wrenching, soul breaking being who had the power of crushing everything Isak was now.

Because he was no longer just the sad bitter asshole he has only ever been.

He was now a piece of Even and he felt it burning from the tips of his toes.

Saw it written in the sky

And engraved beneath his skin.

As his orgasm was torn out of him, so was one small piece of information.

Isak had learned to live his entire life making sure he had nothing he could lose.

Because losing meant missing which meant grieving which meant-

Pain.

So much lifeless, world crushing, life altering pain he could never take back. Another scar to add to the rest.

But now with Even lying in his arms, his heart beating in sync with the only body to have ever made Isak’s world turn into a vivid kaleidoscope of mind blowing colour- Isak knew.

He held the one thing in his life he needed, wanted, cared more for then all of it.

More than the approval of people who didn’t matter.

More than the stupid veil he put up between him and the world.

More than his obsession with hiding from his feelings.

Because he couldn’t hide from this.

Not even if he tried.

He felt Even’s warm breath on his neck and let the feeling envelope around him like a mist of comfort and love he could hold onto for as long as he stayed here. In this moment. Holding the only thing he could ever lose.

Because it’s the only thing –

He has ever,

Truly, completely, unconditionally,

fucking all soul consuming, can’t sleep can’t eat can’t stop thinking about-

………..loved. Love.

_Love_

Did Isak mention he was terrified?                                                    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay so 5k of fluff, i hope you enjoyed this....please please please let me know i am so nervous posting this so ahhhh next update won't be for a while cos i have my final assignments due next week and then i gotta pack and blah blah blah but only a couple weeks and then i'll be making sure i get the next chap to you soon <3 
> 
> all comments are so incredibly appreciated, I need the motivation haha so let me know all thoughts and theories and opinions my love <3


	10. Eva & Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGELS! i been on hiatus for a long time i'm so sorry, i been giving myself a bit of a break but hopefully i'm back for good (we'll see rip) I'm super nervous about this chap, i care what you guys think a lot so please let me know what you think <3 love you and good luck this one is ..... well you'll see haha

  **EVA**

 

Eva hated being alone.

It was a cold empty feeling in the pit of her chest that left her with nothing and nobody but her thoughts.

The ones that led her into the deep thralls of self-hatred and regrets.

She hated the feeling that came with having no one and nothing around her but the reminder that she wasn’t worthy of those people in the first place.

She said the wrong thing.

Believed in the wrong people.

Wanted the wrong things.

Anything and everything she did, wouldn’t be considered the right thing to the people who mattered; so she would say nothing and smile and pretend she was happy.

Even though inside she wanted to scream-

Because she hated being alone; yet here she was once again sitting on the floor of her bedroom...alone.

Eva’s own mother, as much as Eva was sure she loved her; still preferred to travel the country for work than to be with her.

Eva knew that may be unfair for her to think – but she did anyway. Because she was a 17 year old girl, confused, conflicted and mad at the fact that she didn’t know who she was without another person telling her.

She was mad that she couldn’t spend 5 fucking minutes alone without texting Chris to be around her, just so she can pretend that for a little bit... someone wanted her.

She was mad because maybe she just needed her mother to tell her she didn’t need anyone else to be happy.

But then again, needing her mother to tell her that, was probably just further proof that Eva couldn’t trust her own feelings.

Not anymore.

And what were her feelings telling her?

She liked being touched and held and under the beating heart of another.

But she didn’t like Chris, she just liked having someone to turn to when she felt like this.

Alone.

Lost.

Unable to trust the feeling inside her stomach.

Unable to stop the images that kept filling her head, turning and burning and engraving words that consumed her.

Vilde Vilde Vilde

It made her heart quicken and her hands tingle at the thought of touching and kissing her again.

But nothing made her feel lonelier than the memories of the touch of Vilde’s skin, the smell of her hair, the fucking beautiful softness of her lips. Because all it did was remind her that she was alone.

It was a kiss she could never have sober.

Something that would never be hers.

Eva laughed bitterly. Figures. The one feeling she had after Jonas, that she knew was entirely hers; no influence, no confusion. _Hers_. And she couldn’t even be happy about it.

Because like everything Eva does, she burns it. Self-sabotages everything beautiful in her life just so she won’t have to deal with anything other than what she knows – Being alone.

Hurting Ingrid,

Hurting Jonas

And now falling in love with the one girl who would never ever love her back.

It’s almost like Eva was so scared of how vulnerable being happy would make her that she would rather stay alone.

So she did what she knew she only could do, when she fell for someone who couldn’t love her back.

She repressed it until it didn’t hurt anymore.

The only thing she wasn’t expecting however, was the hurt to spread like a fire deep within her veins.

Which leads us to Tuesday evening.

Eva had stayed back in the theatre, throwing all her feelings and thoughts and pain into this mess of a script Even kept rewriting. Happy, sad, happy, no now they are gonna end as ghosts, wait no, HAPPY AGAIN. Eva couldn’t keep up and frankly she was getting tired of Even’s indecisiveness. PICK ONE Eva would scream and then they would laugh at the irony of Eva the proud bisexuall ordering someone to decide on one thing.

But finally after hours of arguing they had decided on the perfect ending and Eva had left, stopping at kaffenbrenniert to get a muffin.

Only to realise she had forgotten her god damn wallet in the theatre.

She convinced the cute waitress to keep her muffin in safe hands while she ran back for money because it was the last chocolate and pecan muffin and she will literally dropkick anyone who tries to take it away from her.

By the time Eva got back though, the theatre was locked. Even must have already gone home. Of course this was just her luck. Just when she was about to go back and beg the cute waitress for a free chocolate and pecan muffin, she heard a laugh coming from inside the theatre.

She frowned, why the fuck would Even lock the door if he was still inside? She was about to knock the crap out of it for her god damn money when she heard another voice muffled through the door, “you’re such a dork”.

Eva frowned and leant her head against the door, peeking through the small slab of see through glass.

It was blurry. Of course it was fucking blurry. But it wasn’t blurry enough.

She saw it. hands, lips, faces.

Anger wrapped around her like an envelope of fire raging from the pits of hell because that wasn’t just two horny jackass teenagers.

That was Vilde’s boyfriend.

Vilde.

Kissing someone who wasn’t Vilde.

And you could say Eva was a hypocrite because she was. Of course she was.

But she didn’t care because Isak had Vilde.

The girl who lived inside her dreams and held her heart between her hands and didn’t even know it.

The girl who made her world shine and brighten every time Eva could make her smile. And god damn when she made her laugh it was like for once Eva did something right in the world. She had something no one else could have; Vilde’s laughter.

And the person who got to take that away from her was burning it completely.

If Vilde knew; it would break her heart.

Eva knew this. She did, she promises she did. Not to mention the fact that Isak was kissing a boy.

Later she would think about this and think about how hard and scary and alone Isak must feel right now, hiding himself like this. Later she will think about being his friend again, apologising for letting it deteriorate with the breakup, offer her shoulder, and her hand and her support. Later she will see herself in Isak, understand him and wish she could have known what he was going through sooner. Later she will realise the sweet irony in how things had turned out. Later she will hate the thing she did next.

Anger building in flames around her, Eva pulled out her phone and sent a message.

Sabotaging not only hers, but another’s happiness.

 

**ISAK**

 

For the first time in his entire life, Isak woke up smiling. The ceiling was bright and vivid, the world was singing and no it wasn’t because he was high or drunk. Believe it or not, for the first time in his life Isak Valtersen was happy.

Happy.

He let out a laugh, long and deep and threw his head back, letting the mattress consume him as his body awoke from the best fucking sleep he had ever had.

“I like it when you laugh” a voice said beside him.

Isak grinned, turning his head to see Even lying back with his eyes shut, appearing to be asleep apart from the bright glowing smile wrapped across his face.

Isak shook his head, “this is so weird”

Even opened one eye, peeking up at isak, “what is? Being in bed with me?”

Isak rolled his eyes, “no dummy I mean-“ Isak shifted, rolling on his side so he could lean up and rest his head on his hand; looking down at the gorgeous boy beside him. “do you ever just, see something or hear something or smell something and just think ‘this feels familiar’?”

Even opened both his eyes at this.

“you mean memory?”

Isak groaned, “no you fucking smartass; I mean de ja vu”

Even raised his eyebrows.

Isak sighed dramatically at the ceiling “I mean like okay, you know about universes right?”

“Isak be honest, how much weed did you have for breakfast?”

Isak grabbed his pillow and whacked it over Even’s head, his laughter filling the room.

“no dickhead, I mean you have to be super egotistic to think this is the only universe in the whole fucking world. To think there is only one of you? no way. Can’t you imagine a million universes? A million versions? Some like this, some completely upside down. Some with you…. some without.” Isak’s voice quietened at the thought of a world without Even Bech Næsheim.

Even shifted closer, a soft smile tugging at his lips as he brushed his nose gently against Isak’s.

“so there are more Isak’s?”

Isak nodded.

“hmmm are they hotter than you cos if you know how to transport into parallel universes I’m so in.”

Isak, being the calm and collected guy he is, leant forward and bit Even on the nose.

“ISAK”

Isak threw his head back in laughter, at Even’s amused shock.

“hmmm yep so much de ja vu, you are totally a dick in other universes too, I see it now”

Isak threw a leg over Even, pulling him closer, closer closer, so his lips were back against his mouth.

“good thing you like dicks then” Isak murmured against the boy’s lips.

Even laughed “you’re right.” He paused, pulling his head back slightly to gaze up at the boy on top of him. “can I ask you a question?”

Isak scoffed, “Even you’ve had my dick in your mouth last night, you can ask all the god damn questions.”

“good to know” Even grinned, tracing circles down Isak’s back.

Isak leaned down, letting his head rest against Even’s heart for a bit, feeling the warmth and beat of his heart radiate through him, wondering what it would be like for that heart to belong to him.

“so…. your question?” Isak asked softly, curiosity and worry, flooding through him already.

Even’s voice was soft and warm against Isak’s skin as Even asked “do you think the other Isak and Evens are together right now?....like this?”

Isak felt the world go quiet around him, the feeling of Even’s fingers, creating soft gentle patterns across his back, becoming the most vivid feeling in the world surrounding him.

He lifted his head a little, so his face was close enough to be able to feel Even’s breath on his lips. “I can’t see why not….you know, if they have also stopped being enemies”

Even raised his eyebrows, the amusement in his voice clear. “Isak, let’s be honest; were we ever really enemies?”

The question took Isak somewhere; made him rethink every single second he had known Even. Every moment he spent thinking he hated him, how beautiful, and charming, and just fucking great he was all the time. How he would smile and make something in Isak shift and freeze and move; confusing and frustrating him so much to the point where he-

Hated that he felt something for a boy.

When he just wanted to be normal.

Isak propped his head up on Even’s chest, looking up at him from under his eyelashes; “no, I guess we weren’t.”

Even’s hand moved, to touch Isak’s face softly, his fingers brushing Isak’s cheek, sending a ray of pink across them with every little touch.

“Isak Valtersen, I can’t imagine one world where I could ever not- “ Even cut himself off, the words stuck in his throat as he looked down at Isak.

“…want to bang you” he finished with a cocky smile, sending a shot of warmth through Isak’s belly.

Isak laughed, letting his lips softly brush against Even’s before replying with “me neither”

He kissed Even, pulling him closer until Even was sitting against the headboard, and Isak was straddling his lap. He ignored the part of him who was disappointed that the words weren’t the ones, that for five seconds he let himself think they were.

He didn’t listen to the part of him who hoped it was more than this, as he let Even and him fall into the part of each other they like the most.

In each other’s arms, chest pressed against chest, lips on lips, hands entwined in hands.

And it was nice.

Isak was happy –

Until the universe did what it always did;

His phone buzzed when Even was in the shower later, the noise disturbing the little peace they had conjured up in their own little bubble of warmth and lips and hands.

He reached out for his phone and looked at the light up notification blinking at him. Taunting him.

_Magnus mentioned you in a comment_

Which was okay, that means nothing. Magnus always tags him in dumb memes on insta; except – his phone flashed as another notif came up.

_Sara mentioned you in a comment._

_Julian mentioned you in a comment_

_Emma tagged you in a photo_

It was like the first droplets of rain until more and more notifs popped up, flooding his phone and causing Isak’s heart to catapult against his chest.

He could feel it – the sense that there was something beneath the pages, ready to pounce on him and tear him down. Ready to set his world on fire.

He knew the feeling too well. Felt the sick feeling in his gut, the tightness in his throat and the emptiness of the ground beneath him so many times, it would have felt natural….

If Even hadn’t shown him what it was like to not feel it for a minute.

To feel warmth, and relief and the everlasting feeling of not being alone whenever he was in his arms.

But as he opened the ocean of notifs and looked at the photo of him kissing a boy on the internet for the world to see; the feelings, the memories of that warmth evaporated.

And all he could feel in its place- was the cold grasp of loneliness wrapped around him whispering softly, the notion Isak told himself since the day his family fell apart in front of him; the pieces too small to salvage.

Happiness is just an illusion.

Isak must have stayed like that for a while; his hand wrapped tightly around his phone, his body crouched and face blank as the realisation of everything hit him long and hard.

Everyone knew.

They _knew_. What if his mother found out. Granted she doesn’t have Instagram; but what if. What if everyone scraped his world clean and stole every star in the sky; just so he could be wrapped in a shield of darkness – for being nothing but a fake. A phony. A liar.

For not being who he’s supposed to be.

Isak shivered as an arm wrapped around his chest; lips caressing his neck, as the warmth of Even’s body, covered his.

But instead of melting into the warmth; all Isak could feel was cold.

Even froze, pulling back and furrowing his brows as if there was an explanation for the broken edges Isak possessed.

But how could Isak explain the cowardness lurking inside him, without disappointing Even?

So he said nothing.

and he didn’t have to; because his phone was no longer in his grasp.

He glanced up to see Even glaring at the screen, his forehead creased, his blue eyes cold and alarmed.

“who the fuck did this?” he said out loud anger burning deep within him.

Isak shrugged, said nothing.

“seriously what the fuck is wrong with people? Nissengossip?” Even snorted “well at least we know this asshole doesn’t have a single creative bone in their body. How pathetic” he laughed.

Isak didn’t.

“hey baby” Even’s arms were around him again, pulling him closer to his chest. Isak didn’t push him off but he didn’t let himself fall into the embrace.

He was stiff like cardboard.

“listen they don’t know it’s you Isak, they don’t. the photo is shit quality. Blurry as fuck you can’t even see us”

Isak didn’t care to point out that there was no way they could see Even; however Isak was visible and the person in the photo was visibly a guy and they looked too close to be doing anything other than-

“I mean it. they even tagged Julian dahl!” Even laughed. “see? They don’t know it’s you. it’s just a dumb guess”

But a good one, Isak thought, biting his lips.

Even’s fingers brushed through Isak’s hair, his mouth breathing warmth near Isak’s ear. “who cares what they think anyway? It doesn’t matter. They can’t take anything from you”

“but they did” Isak finally spoke. His words small and quiet – broken.

“bab-“

Isak broke free from Evens arms; welcoming the cold he knew too well.

“Isak it’s okay really. They don’t know anything”

“but they could” Isak replied coldly. “they could know now.”

Even was quiet, his eyes searching everything in the room but Isak. He opened his mouth, and then closed it- like the words were too much to say out loud.

Isak didn’t care. He had a chill inside him and he wanted heat.

“what?’ he urged, causing Even’s beautiful eyes to meet his, those eyes full of concern and worry.

Isak didn’t want it.

“would that be such a bad thing?” Even finally said softly, gently. The words appearing innocent and childlike but the effect being the equivalent of a volcano erupting within Isak.

 “that’s what you want?” Isak whispered the room growing smaller around him, making it harder and harder for Isak to breathe.

Even’s eyes filled with worry and something else, hidden underneath. He reached out, lunged for Isak’s hand right when it clicked what that thing behind his gorgeous, heartstopping eyes was - guilt.

And then the volcano exploded. Isak pulled his hand back from Even’s touch, causing a surprised “Isak” to fall from the boy’s lips.

“Did you do this?” Isak asked his voice cold and deep, carving into Even’s skin with betrayal and anger.

“WHAT? Isak no you know i w-”

“It makes sense” Isak cut off, unable to listen, refusing to listen. Poison was filling his lungs and the feeling the realisation the need to push and shove and protect was growing too strong.

“Get me to go in your play, seduce me, out me and then ruin me so everyone in the school and the world hates me? Of course you would do that.”

Even’s jaw hardened, his eyes growing glossy with tears Isak refused to acknowledge. There was a wall between them now and Isak wasn’t going to break it.

“That’s what you think of me?” somehow Even’s voice mastered the complete and utter sound of a heart breaking, of a world collapsing and a hardness deep inside him forming in its place as betrayal dug itself deep in his heart. But still the wall - frozen and soundproof, prevented Isak from hearing, or seeing anything but the heartache enveloping him entirely.

He turned his head from the boy who only moments before showered him with happiness, and instead looked at the stain on his wall.

“I don’t really know you Næsheim, and to be honest, i never wanted to”

A painful sound left Even’s lips but Isak refused to flinch, to give in.

“I’m relieved actually.” Isak began, swallowing the pain, the heartache, and the feeling of someone continuously pouring acid down his throat - forcing him to feel and burn and hurt. But Isak didn’t want to hurt. Not anymore. And he wouldn’t. So he let the feelings lock themselves up inside cages deep within him as the cold and the poison took over. Freeing him from the unbearable world of feelings.

“I was worried for a second that you might have liked me”

“Isak-”

“Which would have been a disaster because i could never like someone like you”

He turned his head just in time to see the face of the boy he loved….turn into someone he couldn’t recognise.

But the feelings were locked up and Isak couldn’t find the key.

He couldn’t stop. Fear, pain, and anger consumed him until words were being released involuntarily; compulsively and there was nothing inside isak that could stop him, not anymore.

“I never liked you, for fucks sake, i was just experimenting! Using you, having a little fun before….before i could ever find someone to actually love. It’s comforting you know...blowing someone you could never get attached to.” the words dropped from his lips and he didn’t even listen to them. He said them like he was a robot on self destructive mode, the button hitting repeat. It wasn’t until he saw the tears falling from Even’s eyes that the button broke.

The wall came down.

And all he could see was the pain flooding through Even’s veins. The poison Isak filled him with, breaking and burning and eating him up until all that was left, was the remains of the heart Isak ripped into shreds without a single care.

With the wall down and the destruction in it’s place, panic consumed Isak. he felt the crash of tears roll down his cheeks as he stepped forward. “Even i didn’t-”

But Even stepped away, his hand raised like a stop sign, warning Isak; one more step and the heart between them won’t just be broken; it’ll be shattered.

“I wanted to love you Isak” Even’s voice shook and his eyes like an ocean in a storm, held Isak’s like they wanted to protect him from the world and never lay upon him again at the same time. “I really really did.” Even wiped his face with both hands frantically but the motion didn’t stop the tears, it just made Isak’s heart break a little more.

“But i don’t know how to” he finished, his lips trembling and Isak’s hands itching to caress them, to hold Even’s shaking frame in his arms and make it go away - for it to just GO AWAY.

But he knew he didn’t deserve to.

He didn’t deserve to hold and love and protect Even, when he is the one who breaks him.

This is what Isak does.

He breaks and hurts every single person in his life until they leave him. Until he is alone and unloved and safe, from the feelings locked inside those boxes.

_Safe._

And unhappy.

But at least Even was safe too from the poison inside Isak’s veins; the broken self destructive button that won’t turn off.

Which is why he said what he did next;

“Good, because i don’t want you to”

The words left him paralysed as he watched the boy he loved finally, retrieve the remains of his heart from off the floor, and walk away; leaving isak alone with the tragedy he’d created.

Isak had done bad things before. He had broken people up, told lies, and manipulated his friends; but never in his life had Isak broken someone's heart.

And on the day Isak broke his first, he also broke his second.

Because he didn’t just break Even’s heart.

He broke his own.

And as he curled up in himself on his bed, longing to disappear into nothingness; the tears flooding from his eyes and shaking his body - all he could feel, was the cold painful absence of the warmth he felt only moments before.

Isak could be happy; but when given the chance; he chooses not to be.

The pain hurts, but it’s familiar and he doesn’t have to feel the agonising feeling of lost and emptiness he feels now.

“I wanted to love you isak...but i don’t know how to”

The words play on repeat inside isak’s mind, stabbing him over and over again until eventually; as a tear rolls down Isak’s cheek, a painful smile paints across his lips.

_Love._

He wanted to love me.

Someone wanted to love Isak, and in return he pushed him away.

Because it was the only way Isak knew how to love.

And inside him - all that was left inside Isak’s shriveled heart; despite everything - was screaming,

_I want to love you too, but i don’t know how._

And i never will.

Then all that was left was the poison, the cold, and the darkness.

And it felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *walks in late with cookies and a party hat* HEY GUYS how you doinggggg? everything great? you comfy and warm and got some snacks? here have a cookie. OKAY so i know this was a lot but idk i hope you like it? i hope i wrote this kind of disaster somewhat well? idk please give me feedback, it means a lot and i honestly finished this yesterday - smashed out the last 2k because one of you beautiful stars commented and reminded me that you cared about this story and it wasn't just important to me but to some of you. so thank you to every single one of you who comment and remind me to not give up even when it looks so inviting to. I love you so much. please keep talking to me about this and about anything really haha  
> oh and i nearly forgot! did you catch the cheeky title mention? ayyyy was it lame? be honest <3 
> 
> if you don't already know, my tumblr is skamfairy and i love the company and i love you <3 
> 
> okay i got a project im writing as a gift for a friend close to me so not sure when next update will be (don't hate me) but also it might be sooner depending on how impatient i am (and you guys are) to get these kids happy again. so yes screaming at me to get the next chap out is super effective so defs do that if im being slow. i need the push lmao. love you my angels xx - mikki


	11. Even & Vilde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves <3 long time no update jhhabdsbjad   
> okay so firstly if you're reading this right now despite my terrible posting schedule (or lack of one) i just want to thank you so so so much im sorry for not being reliable or consistent i love you guys so much and i love you for sharing this story with me. a lot has happened to cause my looooong break (also a really nice case of writers block) but i finally finished this chapter of our universe <3 
> 
> secondly AHHHH this is nearly over whooop i have one more chapter written down but i have considered splitting it up in two so we will see.....for now it's oneeee more <3 
> 
> im sorry if this isn't worth the wait but i really hope it is <3 i love you <3 enjoy!!

**EVEN**

It feels like ice.

That’s how Even would describe it.

No.

It feels like stepping into a hot shower with ice on your skin and, letting the heat prick you a thousand times, until you are stinging all over your body. And why?

Because you jumped into the burning heat too quick.

And that’s what Even did.

He let the brightness, the warmth, the comfort that came with being in Isak’s grasp, mess with his judgement.

He let himself feel and touch and look into the sunlight, only to get blinded by the brightness. Only to watch it fall apart.

Maybe he was to blame. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel the twinge of hope and excitement at the thought that finally, _finally_ Isak could be his. And not in the sense that they could kiss and fuck and love in the safety of four walls; but the idea, the want, the need to be able to hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and walk the halls with Isak without either of them feeling ashamed. The idea that Isak could be happy and proud of the fact that he didn’t hate him anymore.

That they could just be Isak and Even. Not the people they pretended to be.

But maybe that was the problem.

He thought Isak felt it. He foolishly believed that he was enough, could be enough, could learn to be enough.

But instead he was still stuck inside the shell of an empty and broken being whocould not be anything but the cause of destruction lying around him.

 _Of course_ Isak would hate him.

He had every right to. Even didn’t post those photo’s but he didn’t have to.

He wanted this.

Deep deep down in his core he wanted something to click, change, or push Isak into his arms. To make him love him and want him and long to be with him despite the world around them. Despite everything.

He just wanted isak.

And now he had nothing.

It was pathetic and sad and cruel for Even to let himself fall in love with a boy who could never love him back. He knew.

He knew Isak hated him but he didn’t care, he didn’t listen, he didn’t stop.

He just kept running into the fire, thinking that in the end, it still wouldn’t burn him.

_“I could never like someone like you”_

The words carve themselves in his mind, forcing him to hear and feel and see nothing but the pain of those words slicing him up from the inside out. Bleeding invisibly, holding him prisoner, laughing at him bitterly.

He can’t hear anything else.

It’s all dark. All unbearably familiar. And he feels himself falling back.

In the dark, where he belongs.

 

The sound of his phone buzzing tears him out of his mind and back to reality. The sound taunting him as it drills into his head, making his whole body ache as he reaches for it.

“Hello?” his voice is raspy and painful as he answers but he tries to mask it with a cough at the end, tries to pretend, tries to cover up the pain.

After all it’s what he has always been best at.

“Even?” a soft high voice asks on the other end causing Even to frown.

“Vilde?”

“Look i know it’s not my place or anything b-”

“Is this about the play?” Even’s mind had been so consumed by the darkness, by Isak’s ice, and his own weakness for not being able to feel anything but love for the boy who hates him; that he completely forgot about the goddamn play.

“What? No. I’m- Even i’m sorry”

Even frowned into the phone as his sat up and tried to collect himself. “Sorry? For what?”

“Isak”

Well now he was completely and utterly mortified. How many people knew that Even fell in love with the one person who couldn’t love him back? How many people knew that Even just kept leaving a poisonous hatred in every person he touched?

He sighed, “Vilde that’s not- it’s not your fault.”

“But it is” Vilde insisted.

Even massaged his forehead in exhaustion, “Vilde please, you apologising for- well for my stupidity just makes it worse. So Isak hates me? I knew that. I did this to myself.”

“Oh my god you are as worst as each other, I can’t believe this.”

Her words caused Even to falter. “What?”

“He hates you? Even are you stupid? He loves you.”

“What no, he- he _said_ -”

“Lies. he said lies to protect himself it’s what he does it’s what-” there was a pause on the other end as Vilde sighed “it’s what we both do. Because it’s easier to lie than to be hurt.”

There was a conflict in Even’s head. The words Vilde was telling him, desperately beating against the wall of ice clinging onto his mind. They were there begging for him to grasp and hold and let inside, but there wasn’t enough room. No matter how hard he tried to listen, everything in his mind kept screaming - but he said but he said but he said but he said.

“But...he said he hated me” his voice was small, capturing the essence of a child wounded and afraid.

“Even I- when i said it was my fault i meant it.”

The flash of everything began to pierce Even’s mind, forcing him to look upon the fracture of the thing he thought he had. The piece in between his happiness and the end.

_The photo._

“Did you- d-”

“What? No. no no no no, Even i would never i’m- when you and Isak first- at Eva’s party. He was so happy after it, so completely careless even. It-” she paused, her voice growing quiet as she whispered “it made me jealous.”

“Jealous?” confusion laced Even’s voice, remembering Isak reassuring him that Vilde wasn’t into him. It was all pretend but if it was pretend then-

“i’m - i like girls. We- Isak was the first person i told and the first person who got it you know? For once in my life i wasn’t alone anymore, we had each other. But then you happened and- and he was so happy. It scared me because- if he had you and if he- if he wasn’t afraid anymore then, -” her voice cracked “ then where would that leave me?”

Even was silent, he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what she was trying to tell him so he said nothing.

“I warned him. I told him you would just break his heart. And if i am honest with myself and with you it wasn’t because i wanted to look out for him, it was because i didn’t want him to choose you over me.” he could hear tears in her voice, quietly nesting in her throat, causing his heart to break at the sound.

“Vilde it’s not-”

“No Even. it is. I know how he feels about you and now he’s not talking to anyone, he’s punishing himself and i am the reason he was too afraid to- to let you in. I told him to wait for it to fall apart instead of just being happy for him.”

“Vilde you can’t- he said”

“Do you love him?”

The question crashed into his window, jumped on top of him and tied him up until every single fragment of his body was restrained, frozen and unmoving. How could he answer that? How can he answer that when the answer is too big.

Too powerful, and monstrous and demanding inside of him. It glowed and lit up like fire inside his ice, like a deep heat within him he wished he no longer possessed, but he knew - he knew there was nothing he could do to extinguish the flames.

“Does it matter?”

Vilde sighed. “I think that is something you need to decide for yourself.”

Even stares at the shadows on the ceiling, the way the sunlight creates shapes above him, shapes so intricate and complicated and dark; he finds it almost hard to believe that something so beautiful and bright and warm can transform as something hidden on his walls, broken, fragmented and afraid.

But most importantly, how the shadows look just as beautiful as the sun.

Even knows how to hide. He knows how to run away from people. How to protect them from himself and the monster within. He is used to needing to walk away from people to make their lives better. He is used to pushing them away.

But for the first time in Even’s life, he is the one being pushed. He knows how he feels, he knows how his mind is haunting him, he knows what the shadows are trying to spell out for him on the ceiling, they argue and they fight and they scream over one another until all of it is white noise inside his mind.

Even wants to run away.

Isak wants to push him away and part of Even wants to let him.

But for the first time in his life-

Even reaches out for his notebook, his fingers gently flipping through the pages until he lands on a fresh one, his hand smoothing down the blank paper while he reaches for a pencil.

His heart, bruised and tattered around the edges, is still beating, warm and fast inside his chest as his pencil touches the paper and begins pouring the feeling inside him - the feeling he has been holding in since the second he let his eyes fall upon Isak valtersen. The feeling he hasn’t been able to put into words. He lets his fingers paint them instead.

Because for the first time in his life-

Even Bech Næsheim is not going anywhere.  
  


**VILDE**

 

It was like this.

An echo of a whisper in a crowded room. The voices flooding through the halls, whispering, taunting, breathing into the encased air. Building up and up and up until they spell out three letters; g, a and y. Wrapping them around the room, throwing them against every single person in its way; embedding them into the fractures of the four walls of the hell they could not escape.

High school.

A nightmare Vilde has dreamt of too many times. Waking up in a sea of dread, fear and shame. Shame at herself for not being the person she’s meant to be. Shame at feeling _shame_ for something she can’t change. Shame at the world for being a place where she can’t not fear people knowing who she is and shaming her for it too.

Because this is her fear. People knowing, people caring, people laughing and talking and echoing echoing echoing into every single crevice of Vilde’s empty fragile world until she’s falling apart, manifesting into nothing but rubble under people's shoes as they walk to class.

This is Vilde’s greatest nightmare. And now as she sits against the lockers, her arms wrapped around her legs, her face pressed against her knee, she listens to the echoes of the hall and lets it all fall around her.

Because finally her nightmare came true.

Except she isn’t the one living it.

The voices are all she hears. They murmur and laugh around her like it’s all some joke, not someone’s life. Not someone's identity, secret, world - being held in the hands of a bunch of judgemental teenagers who just want a way out of thinking about their own struggles.

But it’s not fair.

It’s not because any other day, Vilde would be sitting here thanking every single star in the sky for not letting it be her. For letting some other kid hurt and crumble while she can continue her facade, she can continue lying.

But today is not like this.

She stares at her phone balancing on her other knee - nothing. She hasn’t heard from Isak in days. Suddenly the boy who walked the halls like nothing can break him, is hidden, gone, away from prying eyes, hushed voices and the feeling of being watched, thought of and hated. The fear he can’t shake.

Vilde said once that her and Isak were running from the same thing. Now she doesn’t know what’s worse: the only boy she could ever trust and care about being caught by the thing they were running from; or the guilt for thinking “at least it wasn’t me”

Her head throbbed as another tear blurred her vision. It was her fault. She doesn’t care what Even said. She didn’t cause this heartaching mess of anxiety and fear the world lives in, she didn’t out isak, she didn’t say a word to anyone who asked her if it really was him in the photo. She may not have done this.

But she did tell him he was going to get hurt. Instead of offering him hope, she fed into the fear.

And now the fear was eating him. And vilde? Vilde was nothing.

Is nothing.

Nothing but a coward.

“Vilde?”

She quickly wiped the tear from her face as she looked up at Eva standing in front of her, fidgeting with the backpack strap on her shoulder.

“Eva I-” am a mess she thinks, as she tries desperately to fix her hair but it’s no use. She’s a mess. There's no point anymore.

She doesn’t deserve Eva, she doesn’t deserve Isak as a friend, she doesn’t deserve anything or anyone. Because, how can she be of any use when she can’t even admit to herself that she’s a-

She-

She’s-

Eva sits down, her bare knee touches hers and it makes Vilde’s insides melt and her heart jump and the hair on her arms stand up to bow at Eva and her soft knees, her warm hands, her beautiful lips.

“Vilde i need to talk to you”

Vilde is tired. She’s tired of hiding and running and bringing the people she loves down with her just so she wouldn’t be in her cave alone. In the darkness and the fear and the hatred, alone with no one but the girl in the mirror. The girl she can’t stand.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be like this.

Maybe it won’t be anymore if she can just say the words.

So fuck it.

“Eva I l-”

“It was me”

Suddenly the world around her goes mute. It slows down down down until the whispers, the anxiety shouting in Vilde’s ears, the mess flooding through the halls; finally just - stops.

White noise is the only echo in sight.

It should be nice.

But instead all it does is make the girl in front of her clearer.

Her auburn hair, catching light, causing it to look like autumn leaves on fire. Her turquoise eyes gazing back at her, shiny and glassy as they capture tears. Her cheeks, a peachy pink that makes Vilde’s body ache with the need to touch her.

All of that in front of her, and all she feels is -

S h a m e.

“Vilde i- i’m sorry for hurting you, this is going to sound twisted but i- i just wanted-”

Eva. her Eva, gentle fun, kind, bright. She knows her, she trusts her. But suddenly something twists inside her stomach and all she can feel is the cold breath of someone whispering in her ear that Eva, _her Eva_ is-

“You’re just like them” Vilde’s voice sounds small and broken in her own ears as she says the words out loud. A shiver runs through her body as it dawns on her.

She could never tell Eva.

Eva would hate her. Laugh, joke, see her differently.

Eva is not any different.

She’s alone.

“Vilde what? No i’m- I didn’t mean to I-” Eva tries to reach out but Vilde is already standing up.

She has to move before she breaks. “You did that to him, you did that and you didn’t even think about what it would be like? The voices? The whispers? The fear of everyone knowing?”

She can’t hear anything. Words are coming out of her mouth but she doesn’t know what she’s saying. It’s like everything she has been feeling, every single thought in her mind is pouring out from within her and she can’t make it stop.

Eva doesn’t say anything and maybe it's because there is nothing to be said.

It doesn’t need saying anymore.

“I thought you were different” it’s broken, and pathetic and sad, but it’s all her body gives her before she finally runs off, she hides in a bathroom and lets the tears take over her as it all breaks apart.

Isak, Eva, her fears, her hatred, her heart.

It all breaks; and because she doesn’t know what else to do - she lets it.

  


**EVEN**

 

Even couldn’t stop looking at the absence in front of _his_ locker. It blinded him, it consumed him, it shouted into every corner of his mind until all he could feel is the jarring emptiness of Isak Valtersen.

It wasn’t a good feeling.

In fact it wasn’t a feeling he was used to at all. His entire life Isak had _been there_. Every bad haircut, every sarcastic remark, every single time he turned around and caught him staring. Right. At. Him.

He wasn’t just a part of Even’s life, he was a constant- no

He was the lighting in his own movie. He was the thing that made everything make sense. Finally.

And now he was just gone.

His locker looked lonely. It missed him too, Even decided, as he gently touched the grates, letting his fingers ghost along the cold edges. His heart felt like it was sinking further and further down in his body; disappearing until all he had left was the emptiness in his chest.

Isak hurt him.

But he left him.

He did what Isak expected him to do. And now he wasn’t at school, he wasn’t answering his-

Okay fine, maybe he hasn’t tried hard enough. He sent one message. One.

 

**Even**

 

Are you okay?

 

It was award winning honestly. Some of his finest work. An entire play script written, edited, rewritten by his own god damn mind and he comes up with _this_.

Even ran his fingers through his hair and gazed at the ceiling frustratingly. How does he make a broken boy see the light he shines upon him, how does he make him feel the warmth he leaves under Evens skin, how does he make him hear the beauty hidden inside his laughter, how does he make him love the boy Even can’t ever not love with every fibre of his being?

How does he do the impossible?

He finally pulls out the piece of paper he ripped out of his notebook. The drawings, just colours and patterns peeking through, the shapes unclear when it’s folded like this. He watches as his fingers let go and the paper disappears as it falls inside the locker, the motion makes Even feel nervous and slightly lighter. Like a piece of the heartache, fear and love he’s carrying has just been brought back home.

“Even, have you seen Isak?” the voice breaks him out of his reverie causing him to bump into the lockers, the sound echoing in the halls.

“Seriously Even, opening night is this weekend and he hasn’t been at school all week. It’s ridiculous.”

Even looked up at Sonja, who was looking back at him expectantly, her eyebrows growing higher and higher the longer the seconds went by silently between them.

“Well?”

Something inside Even snapped.

“No he’s not here and I think you can guess why Sonja what the fuck?”

To Even’s surprise Sonja rolled her eyes “please don’t try to drag me into your high school drama. I didn’t post that photo.”

Wait what. Even frowned, confused “you didn’t?”

“Gee thanks for thinking so highly of me you asshole.”

“Sonja that’s not what-”

“I’ll admit the photo was sent to me, but i didn’t do anything? Nor was i surprised. I mean you’ve been into him for ever.”

Woah woah woah information overload.

“Sonja slow down” Even pinched the skin between his eyes. “Okay so wait. You knew it was me in the photo?”

Sonja sighed “whoever sent it to me told me it was you, I think they wanted me to be angry? I don’t know. I’m not though. Like I said. It’s what it is and I knew so” she shrugs and Even is having a hard time following everything he’s hearing right now.

“Wait, so. Wait- who did you show it to?”

Sonja sighed, “pointing fingers isn’t going to make it go away.”

And she’s right but also-

“Sonja, tell me.”

She shook her head, “don’t do anything stupid”

He raised his brows in reply.

She smiled fondly “alright alright, i sent it to Emma.”

Even felt himself internally face palming “Sonja what the fuck?”

Sonja raised her arms in defense “hey i was confused, i needed to talk to someone okay?”

“So you talk to the first year, playing _Rosaline_?” Even cringed.

She bit her lip “look I’m sorry any of this happened but I’m not gonna apologise for needing support. Sure i saw it coming but that didn’t make any of it hurt less. And it did... It does.”

Even was an asshole. All of this and not once did he consider how Sonja must be feeling. Not once did he care. And that wasn’t right.

That wasn’t fair.

“Sonja i’m sorry.”

She smiled, her eyes soft and bright again. They haven’t been like this in a long time and now Even knows, she’s as free as he is.

“It’s okay.”

It’s not but he doesn’t know what else to say so he just pulls her in for a hug instead. It’s nice and it’s light and it feels like goodbye.

“I don’t know how to fix everything.”

Sonja pulled away, her expression soft. “You don’t need to fix anything Even. You just need to give it time. He’s scared. Aren’t we all? Talk to him.”

Even smiled “thanks Sonja”

She patted him on the shoulder “yeah yeah, if he messes up this play for us, I’m killing him myself though.”

He laughed nervously as she walked away. But truthfully, the play was the last thing he cared about.

It was the last thing he thought about for a long time actually.

And to think, it all started with the play.

Well okay, to say it started with the play would be a lie. This thing, whatever it is; it’s bigger than them and it’s always been there from the moment they met.

But this play was the first time Even did something about it.

And it won’t be the last.

 

Words, colour, lines; they fill Even’s mind, distracting him with beauty to ignore the fact that Isak still wasn’t here.

He wasn’t here.

The fear, the worry, the longing. He was confused and sad and angry but most of all, he just wanted to talk to him. He wanted to be brave enough to talk to him. But once again Even Bech Næsheim was a coward.

He wanted to be stronger, he needed to be stronger but the fear wrapped him up and took him as prisoner.

But it didn’t change anything.

He just wanted to see him.

His distraction, instead of stopping him from thinking about Isak just led him to run into a classroom door. Like a blind giraffe he stopped and looked around before turning in the other direction.

He was just about to actually do something useful and get his ass to the right classroom when-

“yeah they took it down but i don’t get the big deal.”

He looked up to match the voice with a dark haired girl talking to a group of girls. Something inside Even’s gut twisted as he processed her words.

“It’s 2018, whoever it was should just come out of the closet already.”

“Excuse me?” he felt something rip out from within him. the words empty and rough, felt like they came from someone outside of himself, but that was his voice, that was him. And the looks on the faces of the people around him revealed what he feared - he was scary.

Unlike the times where he made his mother cry and Sonja’s voice shake with fear; Even _wanted_ them to be scared.

And wasn’t that a fear in itself?

To be someone who felt stronger with the feeling of another's anguish?

But the feelings were boiling, the lights around him dimming and the world seemed to only focus on one thing-

anger.

“Uhh we were having a private conversation?” Emma cut in, looking at him like he was covered in slime.

“You know i don’t care right?” he bit back the hostility falling out of him effortlessly. “You know, having someone take a piece of your identity, your life and sharing it with the world just so their own life feels a tiny bit interesting for two seconds is - not just hurtful but-”

The words became lodged in his throat, stuck between his anger and his desperate need to see Isak because-

He _understood._

He understood and he just wanted to understand more, he _needed_ to understand more but here he was yelling at an ignorant and naive teenage girl instead.

What a dumbass.

“Even?” someone nudged at him and it took him a moment to realise he was standing in the middle of a group of teenage girls and saying nothing. He forgot his words.

“Even? Let’s just-” he looked down to see Eva and her bright eyes trying to tug him away, and for once...he let her.

“I’m sorry i just- did you hear what she said? She outed him to the whole school took that fucking picture and then she has the gall to say she can decide when someone comes to terms with their sexuality whenever she likes what the actual f-

“Even she didn’t out him, I did.”

Nothing.

“Even did you hear me?”

“Oh”

Eva frowned “oh? That’s it? Aren’t you going to yell at me?”

But how could he? It would make him a hypocrite. Blackmailing someone into a play just so you could be closer to them while dating someone else wasn’t quite the same thing. But it was desperate and impulsive. Suddenly everything melted away, the sky the walls the ground, it fell into nothingness leaving him with nothing but the searing feeling of-

Desperation.

Like the beginning.

“Even?”

“If it was Isak I might have done the same.” he smiled weakly and watched as Eva looked down, her heart bouncing on the ground with the motion, as if it was on a string.

Another thing they shared.

“No you wouldn’t have. Now she hates me and she should.”

“No she doesn’t”

“How do you know?”

It was simple, it was serene and it felt like for once in his life the puzzle clicked, the world stopped and everything made sense. The words came back and they were clear, they were true and they held together as they put back the broken hearts encased inside that room.

“Because i don’t hate him and he doesn’t hate me.”

  
  
“It’s me”

The door, scratched and wooden stood between them like a safety guard, sparing their hearts from more damage. Forcing them apart like two magnets that can’t help but want, need and desire to fall back together, again and again.

But it wasn’t just the door between them. 

“Isak” 

He felt the silence like a cool current running through him but it didn’t scare him away. It did the opposite. 

Because he knew He was listening. 

Even pressed his palms against the door, hesitating for a moment before dropping to the ground and leaning back against the frame.  
And he breathed, and listened to the breathing on the other side. 

Even thought he was good at words. Words were easy and beautiful.  
He could move them, craft them, smash them together to form an entire world of feelings and tragedy and make believe.  
But the truth was, he was good at stringing them together to tell a story – but when it came to this… 

He was a disaster. 

He took a deep breath, trying to suck in every single goosebump lingering on his body and then he breathed out and everything inside him – no longer fit. 

He couldn’t hold it, he couldn’t keep feeling it, he couldn’t carry it with him. 

So it fell out of him.

“I’m sorry for walking away” his voice broke.

“Y-you let me in and the second it all got real i left, i shouldn’t have left.” he blinked back the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. 

“I don’t know how to love anyone, that’s the truth Isak. I don’t know how to love anyone because i only know how to hate myself, so I just- I leave when it gets hard.”  
He pulled out the notebook poking out of his jacket and let his fingertips run along the ragged cover. “the irony is you do the opposite. You pushed me away because you knew I’d leave anyway.” He let his thumb pinch the notebook, holding his entire heart with two fingers, “I’m an asshole” 

“You’re not an asshole Even” 

The voice, _his voice_ caused Even’s breath to catch, croaky and raw like he hadn’t said anything in days yet it was the only sound to make Even’s heart beat faster since the last time that same voice said his name. 

“I’m not?” 

Suddenly there was a rustling on the other side and then with a click the door opened. Even lifted himself up too quickly causing the world to spin a little as he laid eyes upon the boy in front of him. 

His hair a mess, his eyes red and tired and his cheeks puffy. 

“Isak” he breathed, somehow causing the ice between them to melt, breaking it between them like glass as tears fell from Isak’s hazy green eyes. His body shaking with the sounds of the wrath of the ocean the melted ice created, and it was too much. Without thinking or hesitating or considering; Even jumped, dropping the notebook in his hand and wrapping himself around the boy in front of him instead. He let him, cracked and cold and washed away, cry into his body as Even held him together. 

and he held him safe, 

and warm, 

and with his heart beating in time with his own, he let him know – he wasn’t alone. 

“I’m sorry” Isak cried into his neck, the sound tearing a chunk of Even’s heart, but before it could throw itself away, Even tried to patch it onto Isak’s broken one instead. 

Have my heart, it’s yours, just don’t cry anymore. 

Even thought he knew pain, he thought he was the expert on how much sadness and hopelessness and pain could run through one person. But looking and holding and hearing Isak fall apart in front of him made him certain- 

Nothing could hurt more than seeing Isak hurt. 

He ran his hand through Isak’s curls, his lips grazing the top of his ear as he whispered “you’re not alone anymore” 

And it was like something inside both of them fell away. Or maybe something inside them fell together, finally. 

These two broken souls, heart achingly tattered and surrounded by a hungry ocean of fear and hate and shame, holding them both as prisoners of their own wounds, are halves of the same star, carved for one another, and together – 

They heal.  
  
“I'm sorry for pushing you away”

Even looked down at the green eyes staring back at him, as he ran his fingertips through his hair, gentle and loving, soft and warm. 

“I’m sorry for letting you push me away” 

“Fucking hell even shut up” Isak groaned sitting up again, frowning. 

“What? Why?” 

“Stop apologising for leaving when I hurt you-“

“B-“

“Because that’s what I did. I hurt you. I hurt people” tears fell from his eyes again and Even caught them with his lips before they could get very far, his warm breath caressing Isak’s skin. “baby no” 

Even held Isak’s face between both of his hands, forcing him to look back at him.

“you were hurt” Isak shook his head, trying to escape but Even held him tighter “listen to me – you were hurt and scared and the truth is life won’t be perfect, it won’t always be warm kisses and blow jobs and long nights laughing in each other’s arms. We are gonna struggle and suffer and sometimes our fears and our doubts will try to tear us apart but- they won’t because if you want me, like I want you then we will do this together. We will hurt together just like we love together.” 

Even wiped another tear from Isak’s cheek as he let his own eyes bore into Isak’s “do you? do you want me?” 

Isak, even covered in tears and snot, rolled his eyes before wrapping his arms around Even’s neck and pushing him down onto the bed. 

“You’re all I ever wanted” he whispered against Even’s lips, the words causing Even to shudder as he deepened the kiss, their lips soft and warm and right. He wrapped his legs around Isak’s hips, tangling their limbs together, creating a human pretzel. 

His fingers grazed along the open space between Even’s shirt and the waistband of his pants, his touch sending goosebumps in their wake. 

“I missed this” he moaned as Isak’s cold hands found their way under his shirt, exploring the tight muscles underneath. 

Isak responded by pressing his body fully and completely against Even’s, his hands disappearing from the tightness of Even’s stomach and instead replacing themselves on his chest. 

His open hand pressed right upon Even’s heart. The feeling, of his heart beating and Isak’s hand rising with the motion was unlike anything he had felt before. It was a connection. A belonging. A touch so intimate and close and raw it made Even feel as open and bare as a moonlit sky, without even removing a single strip of clothing. 

It was like he found someone who could hold his heart and gaze into his eyes and not only did it feel like the most normal and warm thing in the world; but it felt like bathing with the sun shining through the curtains, like slipping into clean sheets and warm blankets after a long day, like wearing the same sweatshirt until it feels like a part of you. 

Warm, cozy, familiar. 

It felt like being in the arms of someone you could stop lying to, someone you could trust, and they can trust you back. 

“Do you remember when I told you I’d tell you-

“Your big scary secret? Mmhm” Isak smiled as he traced a line along Even’s eyebrows and down his cheek. “I remember you never telling me” 

Even sat up abruptly, causing Isak to frown in protest as he jumped off the bed and scooped up the notebook on the floor. 

Isak raised his eyebrows “your secret is in there?” 

Even grinned. “no” 

“EVEN” 

“Sorry sorry BUT, here” he threw it and chuckled when Isak dodged it just in time before it could hit him in the head. 

“Asshole” he muttered as he took the book in his hands and opened it. He went through the same pages before finally..

a smile. 

And then “YOU DREW ME NAKED?” 

Even shrugged, “sue me” 

Isak giggled, the sun shining upon him even tho it was beginning to get dark outside, because that’s just Isak.

Bright, warm, beautiful. He turned the pages, more colour more light seeping through.

His smile, his eyes, the curve of his lips. 

The angry pout he made when he tried to convince himself he hated Even. 

The soft warmth behind his eyes he didn’t know he held. 

But most importantly, the gentle caress of colour and pencil onto paper as Even let his love pour onto the pages. 

Even sat next to him on the bed and watched Isak’s face as it dawned on him: 

How much he is loved. 

And just like that Even knew- 

He didn’t need to know how to love Isak, he doesn’t even need to know he’s doing it. And for a while he didn’t, but it’s like breathing-

He doesn’t have to think or try or learn because loving Isak?

It’s a part of his soul.

And it’s not scary anymore, it’s not hard or big or too much to understand.

Loving Isak?

It’s as easy as the beat of his own heart under the touch of a hand.

It’s _right._  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH okay soo....lots gonna happen next chapter i'm excited to write it for you and i promise i won't make you wait another 4 months sjhhjabbhdsja i love you pls let me know what you think thank you so much for supporting me you mean the world to me <3 and your comments always motivate me to keep going and to finish this not just for you guys but for myself too<3  
> WE ARE NEARLY THERE AHHHH
> 
> I LOVE YOU <3


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